Caskey's Clue Corner

Where to go when someone tells you to get a clue!

I freely admit, it's arrogant as hell for me to put this stuff here, but I do have good intentions. I am genuinely depressed at the declining education level of the Average American, to whom this is primarily targeted. Perhaps I'll miss my target drastically, and hit only the technically aware, who are the ones seeing this page. But maybe somehow a few more folks will learn a few more things about how the world around them works.

By all means, if you see something bogus in here, I've probably gotten carried away and ventured from fact into speculation. Anyone cocky enough to create something like this is bound to suffer from Male Answer Syndrome. Don't let me get away with it! I've already been corrected on items listed here.

• MANAGERS, take note. Of all the dollars you budget for, would it really cost that much more to keep the break room stocked? Most places I've seen may have drinks and snacks available, but the employees are charged for them, and an employee is usually in charge of keeping it stocked and collecting the change in a paper cup. Then I saw a workplace where a wide variety of snacks, plus soda, tea, coffee, etc., were all provided by the management, for free. Makes for some very happy employees.

  (See also commentary by Smarasderagd)

• ADVERTISING in America has hit a pathological extreme. It used to be you placed an ad in your local paper, and hoped the right people would see it. Today, advertisers know who will see it, and there is almost no guesswork. Any time you see an ad that looks interesting, it's not an accident. Ever notice how your junk mail is targeted toward you? It's hard to tell, unless you've seen what you're not getting. But realize this: "they" know the following:
  • your age
  • your sex
  • your salary
  • what type of neighborhood you live in
  • your spending habits
  • what car you drive
  • your childrens' ages
  • what magazines you read

  Think about how much you would know about someone else, with that assortment of information. It's like digging through someone's trash. Except "they" didn't have to dig - it's all available electronically, collected by people who's job it is to gather this type of info.

  Update 11 Jan 99: For a sample source of evil, see Catalina Marketing.

  What can you do about it? Here's a possible place to start - write to the Direct Marketing Association. They can supposedly take your name and address off many of the national bulk mailing lists. (Hopefully this does more good to you than harm. I haven't tried it.)

  DIRECT MARKETING ASSOCIATION
  SIX EAST 43RD STREET
  NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10017
  Beyond making a concerted effort to keep your name off lists, you can vary your lifestyle. Spend with cash, because it's not traceable. But don't always go to the same ATM, and don't always withdraw the same amount. Don't always pay the same monthly amount on your credit cards. Don't apply for credit cards or take out loans often. Don't subscribe to any magazines - buy at the newstand. Etc. On the other hand, don't become paranoid. You don't have to act like a criminal on the run. But it helps. :-)

  Update: Also take a look at this letter and think about how much easier it is to do research over an already-electronic medium, as opposed to creating electronic databases from real world data.

• When WRITING your name on a waiting list, like at a doctor's office, the idea is to make your name readable so when it's your turn, the receptionist doesn't have to spend 10 minutes trying to decipher the scribble. A waiting list or visitor's sign-in sheet is not a legal document. Don't sign it as one. Try printing, instead - it's to your advantage.

• WATER has no fat, no calories, no preservatives, only trace amounts of nasty chemicals (hopefully), it's usually free, and it tastes great if you're actually thirsty. Yet Americans drink more soda than water. Break your pop culture, brainwashed addiction to sweetened, caffeinated, carbonated water, and try the pure stuff. It ain't bad.

• PEOPLE have different personalities, but they are all basically like you. They have a fundamental need of acceptance; they have feelings that can be hurt; they have their own centralized view of the world. That's the primary thing to remember when communicating with your fellow humans: they have their own individual worldview; their own assumptions, knowledge, and prejudices, just like you do - but different from yours! Here are some consequences of this and extended thoughts on the subject.

  "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." -Oscar Wilde

  Also: This well-written and insightful essay on women in the workplace by Kaitlin Sherwood covers more tips on people, communication, self essteem, etc. Good clues.

  Also: Here's some of my advice on surviving job interviews.

• MONEY: Here's a long ramble about saving money and paying off debts. (Summary: 1. Get out of debt. 2. Don't wait to get out of debt before you start building your savings account.)

• MATH is pretty much useless in everyday life, except one concept: percentages. Many Americans would rather save 5 dollars than 10 percent, no matter what. This is because they failed algebra. Who would have guessed that all those horrific story problems in high school would actually mean something? It's in your best interest to find a math geek and bribe him to explain percentages. You'll save more at K-Mart.

  Here's a real-world quiz. You're buying some sexy lingerie from a catalog. On the front of the cover it says:

  Place an order from this
  catalogue and you may take:

  $7.50 Off Any $75 Purchase
  $15 Off Any $100 Purchase
  $30 Off Any $150 Purchase
  $75 Off Any $250 Purchase
  $150 Off Any $500 Purchase

  Whis is the best deal?

• FURNITURE TAGS may be removed by you quite legally. It's the oldest joke: ``What are you in for?'' ``I removed the tags off my mattress.'' Notice the tag says, ``May not be removed except by consumer.'' That's you - the consumer. Go for it.

• SPEEDING through town wastes gas, puts extra stress on you and your car, and increases your chances of getting into an automobile accident. All for what? Arriving a few minutes early to someplace you're going to be for an hour? Scale your risks appropriately - it doesn't make sense to save one minute getting there at top speed when you're going to waste fifteen minutes in line once you arrive. How frustrated have you gotten in rush-hour traffic after work? What are you missing? Some beer-sipping time in front of the boob tube? Please!

• When TURNING right, do not swerve blindly to the left as you enter the turn. Likewise, when turning left, do not veer out to the right, into the other lane. It's just a reflex. It does nothing except cause near-accidents. Stop it.

• GASOLINE, that precious fossil fuel we burn up like paper every day, costs less per gallon than Coke. So quit whining about how expensive it's getting. Whine about insurance rates, low resale values, and drunk drivers, instead.

• Pushy CAR SALESMEN really are aliens. You know how your gut instinct tells you that buying a new car is a big deal? A tremendous amount of money? YOU ARE RIGHT. Don't let the alien convince you that you're weird for bothering to come into a car dealership without actually buying a car right there and then. Here's an actual letter I wrote to a car saleswoman, and a response from an irate reader who saw this web page.

• PASS on the left, when you can. That's a hard and fast rule on the Autobahn, and it works in the USA, too.

• BRAKES can only handle so much. On level surfaces around town, you can use them all you want. But when you start going down a steep hill or mountain, downshift (yes, even in an automatic) to a lower gear, and lay off the brakes as much as possible. I've seen people start choking on the smell of burning brakes, they were wearing them out so fast down a mountain road, and they still didn't have a clue.

"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug." -Mark Twain

It's not that big of a deal on informal stuff, but the following clues should be given to sign makers, brochure writers, etc. I can't count the number of times I've seen these kinds of simple mistakes on professionally published documents. Doesn't something have to go through an editor before it gets printed on a billboard in this country?!?

• APOSTROPHES - Three clues from frustrated readers:

  There is a difference between its and it's.
  its refers to things that belong to it: its tiny brain, its swollen, misshapen tusks, its gift for language.
  it's is a contraction of "it is" and should not be used elsewise.
  It's easy to remember,
  It's simple to get right,
  And it's an excellent technique you can use to set yourself apart from the legions of illiterate lummoxen whose prose fills this internet world with low-quality text.
  Thank you for your patience.

  (Courtesy Mykle Hansen)

  There is also a difference between your and you're. Like its, your indicates possession, as in:

  • I borrowed your helmet.
  • Your iguana bit me.
  • She ate your twinkie.

  And like it's, you're is a contraction of two words: you are. Examples:
  • You're stepping on my foot.
  • There's no way you're going to change my mind.
  • You're aware that your dog is ugly, right?

  (Courtesy Rick Worrell)

  Also there, their, and they're. THEIR means possession:

  • THEIR dog bit me.
  • This is THEIR table.
  • THEIR ideas are good.
  
  THEY'RE is a contraction of THEY and ARE:
  • THEY'RE a cute couple.
  • I see THEY'RE here now.
  • THEY'RE often late.
  
  THERE refers to place, stage, relation, as an interjection:
  • Stop right THERE.
  • THERE is the store.
  • THERE are often problems.
  • THERE, it's finished.
  
  To remember it, just think:
  • Their has an I. I possess it.
  • And they're is They Are. They're = They are
  • There ends with ERE. It's over 'ere.
  
  (Courtesy Jeff Hafner)

• QUOTATION MARKS are for - guess what? - quoting someone! I have a running theory that many people think quotes may be used for emphasis, much like bold, italics, or ALL CAPS. For instance, I saw a hand-printed menu that went something like this:
  "Today's Specials
  "Rib-Eye Steak Platter"
  and for dessert
  "Cherry Pie"
  The opening quotation mark at the very beginning, with no closing quote to match it, has me particularly confused. But in any case, it finally hit me that what they really meant was:
  Today's Specials
  Rib-Eye Steak Platter
  and for dessert
  Cherry Pie
  I don't know. I could be way off, but I was just striving to figure out what they thought quotation marks meant, since they clearly didn't really know. Similarly, there are signs in the men's restrooms where I work that say:
  Please "Flush" Urinal
  Why the quotes around "flush"? Is "flush" not the standard term, and they think it needs quotes as a plea for the reader to give them leeway on their terminology? No, again, I think they're using quotes for emphasis. It doesn't work that way, folks.

  (Lisa Eckstein relates her tale of frustration with quotes. See also: The Gallery of "Misused" Quotation Marks.)

• CENTS are represented like this: $.05 or 5c (using the lower-case "c" here as a "cents" symbol). .05c is not five cents; it's 5 one-hundredths of a cent, a difficult amount of money to measure, to be sure, and not very useful unless you're saving up for the cash value of a grocery-store coupon. See the section on percentages.

• It's not "different THAN," it's "different FROM." You are taller THAN I am, and I am different FROM you. Different is NOT a comparative word like, "smarter," "hairier," or "sharper."

  (Courtesy Binky Melnik)

• LITERAL means actual, real, as distinguished from something used in a metaphoric sense. Don't use it just to lend emphasis to something. If your boss "literally exploded", we would expect to see bits of his or her body adorning the walls.

  (Courtesy JB)

• Microsloth WINDOWS usually comes installed on your computer in the default screen resolution of "Standard VGA" (640x480), which was impressive in 1990 but is totally pathetic today. It's trivial to change your computer's display to something reasonable like "Super VGA" (800x600) or "Super Duper VGA" (1024x768), and a decent number of on-screen colors like 256 or 15,000 instead of 16. This will make everything look much clearer. Bonus clue: It doesn't matter very much how large your computer monitor is. If things are too small, look for options like "Large Fonts" and/or "Large Buttons".

• Most MONITORS have controls to let you change the actual used area on the screen. If there's a one-inch (or more) black, unused border all the way around your screen, it's because you haven't played with all those little buttons on the front panel with the silly icons next to them. They adjust the size of your usable screen. Play with them. Read the instructions if you have to. Might as well get what you paid for.

• MEMORY in a computer is not the same thing as disk storage. Your computer has much less memory than disk space. Disk space is where programs and data are stored permanently. When you install something from a dozen floppies into your machine, that's all going onto the disk. Memory is temporary; it's a very fast "scratch space" where programs are loaded so your computer can run at a reasonable speed. When you run a program (that's what happens when you open an icon), it's being loaded from the disk into memory. Do not refer to disk space as "memory". Your personal computer does not have 4 gigabytes of memory; if it did, it would cost over $40,000 (Aug 1997).

• The phrase "SOFTWARE PROGRAM" is redundant.

• FAX machines have this really cool transfer mode called "Fine". Look for a button on your FAX machine called "Resolution" that has two or three different settings. Most FAX machines default to the lowest setting, which can look pretty bad. Just before or after entering the phone number, try hitting that button and selecting the next-highest setting. The FAX may take twice as long, but it will look twice as good. The person on the other end might be pleasantly surprised.

• CASSETTES have a short leader at the front of the tape that cannot be recorded on. When making a tape, rewind it, press "Record" on the tape deck, then wait for about 5 seconds before pressing "Play" on the CD player or whatever you are recording from. Or manually position the tape past the clear leader before recording. Hey ... now you're no longer missing the first few seconds of the first song on the tape! Amazing!

• TELEVISION should be a resource, not a reality. Brain activity while watching television can actually be less than during sleep. Can you say, "hypnosis"? Use the TV as a tool; don't let it use you as a slave.

• VCRs are actually being made now that set the time themselves, so they don't sit in your living room flashing 12:00 for eternity. This is a sad, sad appeal to the amazing technofear and ignorance of Americans. Be brave. Set the clock on your VCR. It's really no different from the digital clock radio you've had at your bedside for years.

• Thermostats do not work like the gas pedal in your car. Moving the lever further to the left does not make it get any colder any faster. All it means is that it will keep getting colder, at the same slow rate, until you create your own little ice age. Then you have to swing it back to the right to warm it up, again. But if you get impatient and move it all the way to the right, that doesn't speed up the process - it just makes it get too hot, slowly. Get it? Be gentle. Most frustration with thermostats is due to human cluelessness. Never move the lever more than a few degrees, and wait.

Preschool

How to find something that is right in front of your face; how to follow instructions.

Elementary school

How to read signs; how not to ask questions which you can answer yourself.

Middle school

Why individuals are more intelligent than groups; how to communicate effectively.

High school

How to obey traffic laws; why good judgement is a desirable characteristic.

College

How to take responsibility for your own actions; how to behave in a relationship.

Adulthood

How to perform your job competently; how to raise children without damaging them.