Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 13:45:49 -0500
To: (Recipient list suppressed)
From: Tom Meyer
Subject: humor

This thanks to Marc. It does, of course, beg for a response from the ladies
in the audience.


The questions are:

1.     What are you thinking about?
2.     Do you love me?
3.     Do I look fat?
4.     Do you think she is prettier than me?
5.     What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e.;
tells the truth).  Therefore, as a public service, each question is
analyzed below, along with possible responses.


Question # 1:  What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you."  This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true
answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a.     Baseball.
b.     Football.
c.     How fat you are.
d.     How much prettier she is than you.
e.     How I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question # 2:  Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a.     Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
b.     That depends on what you mean by love.
c.     Does it matter?
d.     Who, me?


Question # 3:  Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a.     Compared to what?
b.     I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c.     A little extra weight looks good on you.
d.     I've seen fatter.
e.     Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I
       would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question # 4:  Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a.     Yes, but you have a better personality
b.     Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c.     Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d.     Define pretty
e.     Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I
       would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question# 5:  What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A response from a female reader:

I can personally say that my husband of over 10 years is finally 
learning the correct responses to all of these questions.  Now he 
just has to work on making the response sound less like a recording 
and more like a true response!!  I give him a good solid B+.
His funniest response to the question, "Does this dress make me look 
fat?"  His response, "No dear, your hips make you look fat."
Funny guy....