buckaroo banzai script
In 1995 I "ported" over a Buckaroo Banzai script I had floating around on Usenet to the Web. It, like many things on Usenet, was a collaborative effort, with contributions (and eagle eye corrections and additions) by citizens out on the grid. The original script was submitted to me; I was just a messenger.
THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE EIGHTH DIMENSION transcribed by: Larry Doering firstname.lastname@example.org 5 Dec 91 edited by: Vince Mora email@example.com 15 Oct 96 dialogue errors corrected 18 Mar 97 dialogue, names & descriptive errors corrected 06 Jun 97 line 2216: dialogue corrected 16 Apr 98 line 172: medical term corrected 28 Dec 98 line 608: dialogue corrected 14 Aug 01 line 3997: "Snot" dialogue corrected (thanks to Lynne Hayes) line 3815: unintelligible dialogue by Perfect Tommy deciphered (thanks to Lynne Hayes) The cast, in order of appearance: ED, the voice of Mission Control Kent Perkins PROFESSOR HIKITA, a scientist Robert Ito MARINE LIEUTENANT Radford Polinsky GENERAL CATBURD William Traylor PERFECT TOMMY, a Hong Kong Cavalier Lewis Smith RENO NEVADA, a Hong Kong Cavalier Pepe Serna BUCKAROO BANZAI, particle physicist, rock star, neurosurgeon, etc. Peter Weller NEW JERSEY, another neurosurgeon Jeff Goldblum RAWHIDE, a Hong Kong Cavalier Clancy Brown SENATOR CUNNINGHAM Mariclare Costello SECRETARY OF DEFENSE Matt Clark DOCTOR EMILIO LIZARDO, a scientist \ LORD JOHN WHORFIN, an evil alien dictator / John Lithgow ANCHORWOMAN Francine Lembi HOSPITAL GUARD Jonathan Banks ARTIE DUNCAN, a New Jersey club manager Leonard Gaines PENNY PRIDDY, Buckaroo Banzai's ex-wife's identical twin Ellen Barkin RADAR BLAZES Robert Gray Gary Bisig JOHN BIGBOOTE, a Red Lectroid Christopher Lloyd JOHN O'CONNOR, a Red Lectroid Vincent Schiavelli JOHN GOMEZ, a Red Lectroid Dan Hedaya REPORTERS Ray Birk Jane Marla Robbins BLACK LECTROID WING COMMANDER Jessie Lawrence Ferguson MOTORCYCLE EXHIBITOR Reed Morgan BUBBA, a duck hunter James Keane BURT, a duck hunter Kenneth Magee JOHN PARKER, a Black Lectroid diplomat Carl Lumbly HIGHWAY PATROLMAN John David Ashton SCOOTER LINDLEY, a Junior Blue Blaze Irregular Damon Hines CASPER LINDLEY, Scooter's father Bill Henderson MRS. JOHNSON, Buckaroo's secretary Laura Harrington JOHN GANT, Black Lectroid thermopod pilot Kevin Sullivan BILLY TRAVERS, a Hong Kong Cavalier Michael Santoro PINKY CARRUTHERS, a Blue Blaze Irregular Billy Vera SAM, the jet car mechanic uncredited JOHN EMDALL, Black Lectroid leader Rosalind Cash PRESIDENT WIDMARK Ronald Lacey SMIRNOFF, the National Security Advisor Yakov Smirnoff JOHN YAYA, a Red Lectroid James Rosin KOLODNY BROTHERS Sam Minsky Robert Hummer RUGSUCKER Gerald Peterson ------------- Scrolling title appears. Buckaroo Banzai, born to an American mother and a Japanese father, thus began life as he was destined to live it... going in several directions at once. A brilliant neurosurgeon, this restless young man grew quickly dissatisfied with a life devoted solely to medicine. He roamed the planet studying martial arts and particle physics, collecting around him a most eccentric group of friends, those hard-rocking scientists, The Hong Kong Cavaliers. And now, with his astounding jet car ready for a bold assault on the dimensional barrier, Buckaroo Banzai faces the greatest challenge of his turbulent life... ... while high above Earth, an alien spacecraft keeps a nervous watch on Team Banzai's every move... Somewhere in the desert. Team Banzai is preparing BUCKAROO BANZAI's jet car for a bold assault on the dimensional barrier. The jet car, a highly modified Ford pickup truck, is parked near the launch grid. Shots of jet car, crew members running around. A limousine pulls away from in front of a concrete blockhouse. Inside, members of Team Banzai are going through various final checklists. A technician is seated at a control console. ED: T minus six zero three and holding, laser positive, latch compressors. PROF. HIKITA is at another console. PROF. HIKITA: Multistage axial compressors... latched. Fuel pressure eighteen hundred pounds. Outside, the ground crew rolls the jet car into position. A Marine officer walks into the blockhouse and talks to GENERAL CATBURD. GENERAL CATBURD: You're kidding. He's still at the hospital? ... Banzai hasn't showed yet, Mr. Secretary. Looks like he's got cold feet. PERFECT TOMMY and RENO NEVADA, two of the Hong Kong Cavaliers, are sitting off to the side. PERFECT TOMMY is reading a newspaper. He looks up. PERFECT TOMMY: Well, better go see what's keepin' the boss, Reno. RENO NEVADA: Why me? PERFECT TOMMY: 'Cause I'm busy. Cut to a hospital operating room. BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY, wearing scrubs, are at the operating table. BUCKAROO BANZAI: May I have the curved Yasargil, please? NURSE'S VOICE: It's not here, Dr. Banzai. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Ahhh... let me have the straight one then. NEW JERSEY: See, this is the point, for me, where it started to look like a problem. You know, I wanted to sacrifice the procentral vein in order to get some exposure, but because of this guy's normal variation, I got excited, and all of a sudden I didn't know whether I was looking at the procentral vein, or one of the internal cerebral veins, or the vein of Galen, or the vasular vein of Rosenthal. So, on my own, to me, at this point, I was ready to say that's it, let's get out. BUCKAROO BANZAI: You can check your anatomy all you want, and even though there may be normal variation, when you get right down to it, this far inside the head it _all_ looks the same. No, no, no, no. Don't tug on that. You never know what it might be attached to. Cut to desert, then to interior of blockhouse. ED: APU vents are closed, it looks good. Cut to observer's gallery outside the operating room. RAWHIDE is dictating into a tape recorder. RAWHIDE: Dr. Banzai is using a laser to vaporize the pineal tumor without damaging the quadrigeminal plate. Subcutaneous microphones are gonna allow the patient to transmit verbal instructions to his own brain. PA VOICE: Dr. Banzai's helicopter has arrived. VOICE: Like... "raise my left arm"? RAWHIDE: Or "throw the harpoon." People are gonna come from all over. This boy's an Eskimo. Operating room. BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY have completed the operation. BUCKAROO BANZAI: You ever thought about joining me full-time? NEW JERSEY: What do you mean? Seriously? Do you have an opening? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Uh huh. Can you sing? NEW JERSEY: A little. Yeah. I can dance... Cut to desert. Crew mills around while a helicopter lands outside the blockhouse. VOICE: We have Buckaroo descending. We have him on the launch stadium perimeter. Interior of blockhouse. The countdown continues. PROF. HIKITA: Inertial control positive. T minus five four five. Resume counting. RAWHIDE walks in. VOICE: Hey hey, Rawhide! VOICE: Hold up, hold Buckaroo's helicopter! Cut to outside. BUCKAROO BANZAI, wearing black coveralls and hood and carrying a battered leather briefcase, is walking towards the jet car. VOICE: We are go for launch. Interior of blockhouse. GENERAL CATBURD, carrying cup of coffee, walks over to SENATOR CUNNINGHAM. GENERAL CATBURD: I'm teeing off in an hour and a half. What's this jalopy supposed to do, anyway? SENATOR CUNNINGHAM: Five hundred miles an hour. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Oh, Senator, you're so gullible. Outside. BUCKAROO BANZAI climbs into jet car, crew member shuts door, passes briefcase to him through the open window. VOICE: Clear the launch grid, please clear the launch grid. Last-minute checks continue. BUCKAROO BANZAI settles in, places briefcase on the seat next to him. Cut to interior of the blockhouse. ED: HB88, this is Control. Driver's door check secure. Outside, crew members in flameproof suits lug fuel hoses around. In the cockpit of the jet car, BUCKAROO BANZAI adjusts various controls. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Control, this is HB88, commander's voice check, over. ED: Roger, HB88, read you two two, out. Shot of jet car's onboard computer display. An outline of the jet car appears. COMPUTER VOICE: ...SINED... BUCKAROO BANZAI: Control, HB88, event timer started, over. BUCKAROO BANZAI removes overthruster from its padded case. ED: HB88, this is Control. APU start is go. You are on your onboard computer, over. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Roger, I copy. Outside, a crew member puts air in one of the jet car's rear tires. VOICE: Altimeter set, cross-check. Compasses, cross-check. VOICE: Reserve brake system two, ah, closed and guarded. Gear handle - down. In the cockpit, BUCKAROO BANZAI is pressing various buttons on the overthruster. VOICE: Engine start levers - free, closed, and off. VOICE: Number four electric hydraulic pump and press - on, and checked. VOICE: Parking brake - set, and press checked. VOICE: Radios, radar, and transponder - set, and standby. BUCKAROO BANZAI puts the overthruster into its gimbaled mount. Indicator lights and the computer display react. Electric motors whine, and the overthruster mount swivels back and forth. ED: HB88, this is Control. IMU alignment in progress. We show 28 degrees, 36 minutes, 30.3 seconds north, 80 degrees, 36 minutes, 14.8 seconds west, over. BUCKAROO BANZAI puts headband with Japanese characters on over his hood. The headband says "seikatsu bei" ("the joy of living"). VOICE: Synchro is aligned, out. ED: HB88, this is Control. Ground crew secure. Outside, crew members in flameproof suits give BUCKAROO BANZAI thumbs-up and move clear of the jet car. The car's jet engine begins to spool up as BUCKAROO BANZAI dons goggles and helmet and lowers the helmet's visor. Quick cuts between the flame now shooting from jet car's exhaust and crew members in the blockhouse. Interior of blockhouse. Countdown clock on the wall switches from 00:13 to 00:12. VOICE: INS RAM coordinates. Form One and fuel ticket? VOICE: On board. Circuit breakers? PROF. HIKITA: Five, four... ED: We have main engine start. PROF. HIKITA: ... three, two, one... Outside, the jet car accelerates away from the launch grid. Cut between exterior of jet car and desert outside reflected in BUCKAROO BANZAI's helmet visor. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Electro-nuclear carburetion seems fine. In the blockhouse, SENATOR CUNNINGHAM is waving a hand-held fan. GENERAL CATBURD: He's fast, I'll give Banzai that. But one heat-seeking missile and he's history. Quick cuts between desert, jet car cockpit, and computer display with Mach meter rapidly increasing from Mach 0.33 to 0.60. ED: HB88, this is Control. APU start is go. You are on your onboard computer, over. ED: They are reading you on the localizer downrange. Looks good, over. Interior of blockhouse. PROF. HIKITA is excited. PROF. HIKITA: Speed steady at C one seven nautical. Four hundred and accelerating! Cut to jet car leaving trail of dust, then the cockpit. VOICE: Horizontal velocity is expanding, over. The jet car is approaching the end of the course. Cut to RAWHIDE, standing outside speaking into a headset. RAWHIDE: Five, four, three... VOICE: Here he comes! RAWHIDE: ... two, one... The jet car swerves to the left suddenly and leaves the course. VOICE: Where's he going? RAWHIDE: Yeah ha ha! Cut to shot from a helicopter pursuing the jet car. CHASE 1: He is off course. This is Chase One, over. He has broken trajectory. The cockpit of the jet car begins to fill with smoke, and alarms go off. VOICE: ...zero cylinder. There is an immediate fire hazard, over. Do you read? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Roger. In the blockhouse, the crew members react. VOICE: Advise abort, over. Repeat, advise you cancel phase two! Cut to jet car's onboard computer display, with picture of jet car. COMPUTER VOICE: ... SEELED ... Back in the blockhouse, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE whips off his sunglasses. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: What the hell's Phase Two? Jet car cockpit. BUCKAROO BANZAI retains his cool, though alarms are still sounding. BUCKAROO BANZAI: That's a big no can do. VOICE: Are you decompressing, over? Blockhouse. Crew members are panicking. PROF. HIKITA calmly uncovers overthruster indicator box by his control console. VOICE: He's broken the sound barrier!! ED: Mach 1.3. Buckaroo, do you read? Commence braking procedure, over. PERFECT TOMMY: Just be cool. She'll hold. The jet car is racing across flat terrain towards distant mountains. VOICE: Access negative. Pneumatic pressure negative. CHASE 1: We are in pursuit. He is gaining, over. ED: Eject, Buckaroo! EJECT! VOICE: HB88, do you read? Do you read, over? Quick cuts between exterior of jet car and cockpit. A bright blue beam of light appears leading from the jet car to the mountain. The overthruster makes various beeping noises. The side of the mountain rushes up, and BUCKAROO BANZAI breaks through to the 8th dimension. In the blockhouse, GENERAL CATBURD pounds on a computer console while PROF. HIKITA calmly watches his overthruster status display, which now reads "CROSSOVER". VOICE: Hotel Bravo eight eight, do you read, over? VOICE: What is going on? Helicopter shot of tire tracks ending at mountainside. CHASE 1: This is Chase One. We got his tracks, they go right up to a wall of rock! Holy shit! 8th dimension sequence continues. Lots of blue flashes and rapidly moving electron micrographs of radiolarians, protozoa etc. Something hits the jet car and BUCKAROO BANZAI's helmet comes off. Cut to cliff. Blue beam bursts through, followed by the jet car. BUCKAROO BANZAI begins braking procedure. Smoke thickens in the cockpit, and he fans it away with his hand. Helicopter shot of the jet car decelerating. CHASE 2: This is Chase Two, Chase Two. We see him, we see him. In the blockhouse, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE looks surprised as various crew members cheer. PROF. HIKITA is ecstatic. VOICE: Chase Two reports a visual, one hundred miles off course. Helicopter shot of jet car as a bright red drag chute deploys. VOICE: He's gone through it! He's gone through the mountain! As the jet car slows to a stop, BUCKAROO BANZAI opens the driver's side window and bails out. He falls to the ground and rolls. VOICE: There is a minimal disturbance in the local magnetic field. He is OK. The vehicle is hot but we show no radioactivity, over. BUCKAROO BANZAI picks himself up and strips off his hood. The jet car has stopped, with white smoke pouring from the cockpit. VOICE: ... aberrations on the windshield, we are getting a localized vibration off the drive train, and a minor oil leak. Buckaroo, can you verify operational capability? BUCKAROO BANZAI walks cautiously up to the jet car. ED: HB88, this is Control. We are reading an electrical field aberration nine, nine, three, on your windshield. Static and fractured. Can you confirm, over? Crackling noises and ominous music as BUCKAROO BANZAI scoops up transparent slime from the jet car's windshield. ED: HB88, do you read, over? We are getting a localized vibration on the driveshaft, can you confirm, over? BUCKAROO BANZAI crawls under the car to look at the driveshaft. ED: HB88, rendezvous in ten minutes, over. Under the car, BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls an alien lifeform off of the driveshaft. Cut to DR. LIZARDO's room at the Trenton Home for the Criminally Insane. Closeup of DR. LIZARDO's face as he stares at his TV. Camera pulls back to show his room, then cuts to the TV. BUCKAROO BANZAI and the Hong Kong Cavaliers are being interviewed. ANCHORWOMAN: There it is. Tire tracks, right up to a wall of rock. Perfect Tommy, Rawhide, Reno, you guys are the Hong Kong Cavaliers. Buckaroo's most trusted inner circle. Could you elaborate on that device, I believe, dubbed, the umm... oscillator... PROF. HIKITA: Oscillation overthruster. Cut back to DR. LIZARDO. DR. LIZARDO: Hikita! Dat little Asian traitor! DR. LIZARDO rummages through the junk scattered around his room. He pulls a bag out from under his bed, and removes a peculiar device from it. He straps the device to his wrist, clips a wire from it to his earlobe, and attaches another wire ending in a clamp to his tongue. TV VOICE: ... the sound barrier broken, and then the dimension barrier. It was, said Buckaroo Banzai, exactly like Professor Hikita had glimpsed, in 1938, through the overthruster he and Dr. Emilio Lizardo put together from spare parts in a laboratory at Princeton. 1938. Can you imagine what it must have been like then... then... then... DR. LIZARDO throws a switch on the device. A nimbus of miniature lightning bolts surrounds his head, and the scene fades... ...into a flashback to PROF. HIKITA and DR. LIZARDO's laboratory, 1938. A long track runs the length of the room, ending at a wall. A sled-like vehicle rests at the other end of the track. The room contains lots of low-tech lab equipment with flashing neon tubes, Jacob's Ladders, etc., all making various electrical buzzing and humming noises. DR. LIZARDO and two assistants are preparing the sled, while PROF. HIKITA works at the other end of the track. DR. LIZARDO pours shot glasses of liquor and passes them out to the assistants. ASSISTANT: Molto grazie, Dr. Lizardo. PROF. HIKITA picks up megaphone, yells from the other end of the room. PROF. HIKITA: Almost ready, Dr. Lizardo. Almost. DR. LIZARDO and the assistants raise glasses, drink a toast to success. A massive relay closes, and a bright blue beam of light shoots from the sled. PROF. HIKITA is still making final adjustments. DR. LIZARDO climbs onto the sled, settles into the seat. He kisses a picture of the Madonna and Child that is mounted on the instrument panel. Meanwhile, PROF. HIKITA is absorbed in final checks. He makes a chalk mark on the wall where the blue beam hits. PROF. HIKITA looks back, sees DR. LIZARDO is already on the sled. PROF. HIKITA: No, not yet. PROF. HIKITA waves desperately at DR. LIZARDO. PROF. HIKITA: No! Cut to sled. DR. LIZARDO crosses himself and puts leather helmet on. PROF. HIKITA runs to his control panel, hoping to stop DR. LIZARDO. PROF. HIKITA: No, not yet! Not yet! I'm not ready! DR. LIZARDO ignores PROF. HIKITA, and slams a lever home. Large spark as contacts close and the sled begins to accelerate down the track. DR. LIZARDO grins maniacally as the sled picks up speed. It passes PROF. HIKITA, who looks alarmed. PROF. HIKITA is holding something - probably a crucial component of their primitive overthruster that was overlooked. The sled approaches the wall at high speed. DR. LIZARDO dives forward at the wall just before impact. He penetrates halfway - his legs are visible, kicking frantically. ASSISTANT: He did not go through the wall! PROF. HIKITA looks into scope, sees blurry humanoid figures struggling with something in the 8th dimension. PROF. HIKITA: Holy Toledo! The two lab assistants run to the other end of the lab and haul DR. LIZARDO out of the wall. DR. LIZARDO is hunched over, clutching his head. DR. LIZARDO: Agghhh.... ughhh... ahh ahh ahhh.... DR. LIZARDO wrenches the helmet off and straightens up. His hair is standing on end. Something is clearly very wrong. PROF. HIKITA: Emilio? DR. LIZARDO: Muhhhh? DR. LIZARDO lets out an inhuman scream, grabs the two assistants, and bashes their heads together. They fall. He screams again, runs for a fire exit, and flings the door open. He pauses and glares back over his shoulder at PROF. HIKITA, then escapes. Dissolve back to DR. LIZARDO's room. He shuts off the device. TV VOICE: Asked what he saw, and where he went, Dr. Banzai replied, "Vast caverns of hissing swamp, spurts of flame, huge thunderclaps, and gurgling rock formations." DR. LIZARDO has an idea. He scuttles over to the wall and takes some notes out of his pocket. PA VOICE: Lithium is no longer available on credit. DR. LIZARDO frenziedly scribbles equations on the wall. DR. LIZARDO: G sub e... Jesu Christo! Make the ganglia twitch!... We're home free... home... home is where you wear your hat! I feel so break up, I wanna go home! HOSPITAL GUARD enters. He is carrying a large box. HOSPITAL GUARD: Hello, Doc. Who are we today? Albert Einstein? DR. LIZARDO: Lord John Whorfin. If there's one thing I hate, it's to be mistaken for-a somebody else. HOSPITAL GUARD: Aw, cheer up, Lizardo. It's Friday. Got another care package from your yoyo friends. HOSPITAL GUARD puts box down. DR. LIZARDO pulls crumpled bills from a pocket and tips him. DR. LIZARDO: Eyy, senor... grazie. HOSPITAL GUARD: Thanks, Doc. He begins to unplug the television. HOSPITAL GUARD: I've come for your TV - the thing uses too much juice. Another ten thousand kilowatts again this month. Beats me how an old homicidal loony can use that much power. DR. LIZARDO has opened the box. It's full of junk food. DR. LIZARDO: Go on, take it. I don't-a need it. Tomorrow... I'm-a going home, with my overthruster. HOSPITAL GUARD: Heh heh. That's terrific, Doc. I'll make sure you get an early wake-up call. Heh heh heh. He takes television and walks away. DR. LIZARDO: Laugh-a while you can, monkey-boy! That evening, backstage at a club, somewhere in New Jersey. The Hong Kong Cavaliers are preparing to go onstage. PROF. HIKITA is with them. PROF. HIKITA: Buckaroo, I've done a spectographic analysis on the specimen you pulled off the jet car driveshaft. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Uh, Rawhide, you're keen on bugs, what do you think? ARTIE DUNCAN, the manager of the club, enters. He is wearing a fedora, plaid sportcoat, and lavender tie. ARTIE DUNCAN: I don't care if you walked through a mountain in Texas. This is New Jersey, and when you... when you play my joint, you're just another act. I want some _music_ outta you characters. RENO NEVADA: You want it, Artie? You got it. Drums start as the Hong Kong Cavaliers take the stage. Cheering, whistles, and applause from the crowd. PERFECT TOMMY: Let's rock 'n' roll! PA VOICE: ... The one, the only, the amazing Buckaroo Banzai and his Hong Kong Cavaliers! The crowd cheers. Horns join the drums. Various shots of Hong Kong Cavaliers playing instruments. The music rises to a crescendo, and BUCKAROO BANZAI launches into a guitar solo. Quick shots of people in the crowd dancing. BUCKAROO BANZAI finishes guitar solo, picks up a cornet, and plays another solo. BUCKAROO BANZAI kicks a mike stand, which falls into his hand. He is just about to sing when he suddenly freezes. The band abruptly stops playing. BUCKAROO BANZAI: 'Scuse me. Excuse me. Ah, is someone out there not having a good time? Cut to crowd. They are mystified. CROWD: Noooo! (assorted yells) BUCKAROO BANZAI: Is, ahh... is somebody... is somebody crying?... out there in the darkness? Somebody crying? PENNY PRIDDY is visible, sitting alone at a table. PENNY PRIDDY: (sobs) Me... I'm sorry... Long shot of stage. Crowd members are looking back at PENNY PRIDDY, wondering what's going on. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Ummm... could we... could we get her a mike? And a spotlight? Uh, Tommy, could we, uh, could you give her your mike? PERFECT TOMMY: Are you serious? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Yeah. Give her your mike. (to PENNY PRIDDY) What's your name? PENNY PRIDDY: Who cares? The crowd is getting fed up with the delay. DRUNK: Right! BUCKAROO BANZAI: (sympathetically) I care. What's your name? Close up of PENNY PRIDDY. She is wearing a short pink dress and blue gloves. Her makeup is smeared. She has obviously been crying. PENNY PRIDDY: Penny. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Did you say "Peggy"? PENNY PRIDDY: Nooo... (sobs) My name's Penny. Penny Priddy... But it doesn't matter, it's not important. (She tries to smile.) I just... I just sponged up a little too much Vat 69, that's all. (laughs, turns into sob) I'm down to my last nickel in this lousy town. And they wouldn't even take my luggage in hock. (sobs) And I lost my room at the Y this morning. CROWD: Ooooh! Wow! Somebody get her a violin! (etc.) PENNY PRIDDY: (collects herself) But it's cool. BUCKAROO BANZAI: (to crowd) Hey, hey, calm down. Don't be mean. We don't have to be mean. 'Cause, remember, no matter where you go..... there you are. PENNY PRIDDY seems to cheer up slightly as BUCKAROO BANZAI walks over to piano, sits down, and begins to play. BUCKAROO BANZAI: I'm gonna sing this song for you, Peggy... PENNY PRIDDY: (her face crumples, and she sobs again) No, _Penny_ .... BUCKAROO BANZAI: ... and anyone else out there who's lost someone. PENNY PRIDDY picks up a pint bottle of whiskey, drinks. PENNY PRIDDY: Who cares. Scattered applause from the crowd as BUCKAROO BANZAI starts to sing. BUCKAROO BANZAI: I don't have plans or schemes And I don't have hopes and dreams... The song is not helping. PENNY PRIDDY is crying again. BUCKAROO BANZAI: I... don't have anything... PERFECT TOMMY: This is weird. RENO NEVADA: Sure is. BUCKAROO BANZAI: ...Since I don't have you... Cut to PENNY PRIDDY, who is mouthing the words to the song. The Hong Kong Cavaliers join in, playing softly. RAWHIDE: Who's the girl? BUCKAROO BANZAI: And I don't have fond desires And I don't have happy hours... Shot of couples in the crowd looking at each other lovingly. Cut to PENNY PRIDDY, looking determined. She has pulled a small automatic pistol from her handbag and is bringing it up to her head. Her hand is trembling. Cut to BUCKAROO BANZAI, still singing. BUCKAROO BANZAI: And I... don't have anything... Since... Back to PENNY PRIDDY. She is staring at BUCKAROO BANZAI while pointing the pistol at her temple, steadying it with her other hand. She is about to pull the trigger when a passing WAITER bumps her arm. The gun fires into the ceiling. Screams from the crowd. Cut to stage, where everybody in the band is pulling guns and cocking them. The drummer stands up and produces an Uzi from somewhere. PENNY PRIDDY is frantically trying to hide her gun. Two BOUNCERS appear and grab her. PENNY PRIDDY: Let me go! Band members aim guns at PENNY PRIDDY from the stage as she struggles with the BOUNCERS. PENNY PRIDDY: No! No! Let me... BUCKAROO BANZAI: Wait! Wait a minute! RAWHIDE: Kill that spot! Kill it! The Hong Kong Cavaliers rush BUCKAROO BANZAI offstage. Several of them hang back to cover the crowd with their guns. Next day. At the Trenton Home for the Criminally Insane, the HOSPITAL GUARD is sitting at a desk watching TV. DR. LIZARDO comes down the hall and reaches for a wall-mounted telephone. He is wearing a military greatcoat with medals on the front, and dragging a large suitcase. HOSPITAL GUARD: Where do you think you're going, Doc? The moon? DR. LIZARDO: No. Planet Ten. DR. LIZARDO takes the phone off the hook. HOSPITAL GUARD: Oh, Planet Ten. Why, pray tell? DR. LIZARDO: (on phone) Operator! HOSPITAL GUARD: Doc, put down the phone. DR. LIZARDO: Operator! I wanna make a call to Mr. John Bigbooty, at-a Yoyodyne Propulsions-a Systems, over in Grover's Mill. And you tell him that it's John Whorfin calling. That's W-H-O-R-F-I-N, you got that, honey? John! J-O-H-N! The HOSPITAL GUARD looks annoyed. He turns off the TV and gets up. HOSPITAL GUARD: This better be collect, Doc. DR. LIZARDO grabs the HOSPITAL GUARD by the neck and lifts him off his feet. He twists the HOSPITAL GUARD's head to the side. Snapping sound as his neck breaks. DR. LIZARDO: Bigbooty!... Of course it's me, you fool, who do you think? The time has come, Bigbooty. Prepare for my return!... Well, haven't you heard? Don't you watch-a TV? Banzai and Hikita have done it! They have opened the window! DR. LIZARDO has dropped the HOSPITAL GUARD's corpse on the floor, and is fishing through his pockets looking for keys. DR. LIZARDO: Si. Meet-a me at the factory. And get their overthruster! And Hikita, too! Sure, alive... No, no. Don't worry about me. I'll get my own ride. DR. LIZARDO unlocks the door. Near it, an INMATE is playing an arcade-style Buckaroo Banzai video game. VIDEO GAME: (beeps) Evil will not prevail. DR. LIZARDO pauses, nods to the inmate, then sees the video game. He presses something on the front panel, and the game dies as sparks shower from the back. DR. LIZARDO leaves. DR. LIZARDO: We return to Jersey, yah hah hah... Exterior shot of BUCKAROO BANZAI's black and yellow double-decker tour bus on the highway. Cut to interior. PERFECT TOMMY is looking at a newspaper. The headline "Mystery lady opens fire - Buckaroo unhurt" is visible over a photo of PENNY PRIDDY. PERFECT TOMMY: Spittin' image. RENO NEVADA: Doesn't look anything like her, I think. PERFECT TOMMY: Pictures don't lie. RENO NEVADA: Hell they don't... met my first wife that way. PERFECT TOMMY: Well, it's Peggy to these eyes. It's the same nose, the same hair... BUCKAROO BANZAI is kneeling on the floor, holding a samurai sword. He bows to a small shrine on the wall. PERFECT TOMMY: Plus, Buckaroo has to think so too, or else he wouldn't be ready to make a fool of himself. BUCKAROO BANZAI gets up, puts the sword in a rack on the wall. RAWHIDE enters. RAWHIDE: Just off the World Watch Wire, Buckaroo. Thought you'd wanna be notified. Remember that old Eyetalian pal of the professor's? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Emilio Lizardo. RAWHIDE: Yeah. Well, last night he kills a guard and breaks out of the Trenton Home for the Criminally Insane. Ten minutes later he cops a Maserati Bora?... Totalled it, a block away. RENO NEVADA: Holy moly. BUCKAROO BANZAI: A Maserati Bora. RAWHIDE: Mm-hmm. That ain't all. He's vanished. Thin air. PERFECT TOMMY: Doctor Lizardo. Wasn't he on TV once? BUCKAROO BANZAI: You're thinking of Mr. Wizard. RENO NEVADA: This man's a top scientist, dummkopf. PERFECT TOMMY: So was Mr. Wizard. RAWHIDE: Dr. Lizardo's a raving lunatic, Perfect Tommy. A vicious psychopath. Just as soon kill you as go fishin'. Exterior of bus, still speeding down the highway. Cut to communications center inside. Two RADAR BLAZES wearing headsets and Team Banzai jumpsuits are monitoring banks of electronic equipment. RADAR BLAZE 1: Buckaroo. Look at this. RADAR BLAZE 2: Looks like a normal high-altitude electrostatic disturbance moving down over Connecticut. RADAR BLAZE 1: From the jet car, do you think? BUCKAROO BANZAI: No... Not from the jet car. Check with NORAD Command. Could be above-ground atomic testing in China, maybe sunspot activity... Man, that's strange. Exterior of the New Brunswick Police Station. NEW JERSEY is standing outside, wearing flashy Western duds and a large white cowboy hat. He tunes a portable radio sitting on top of a pair of saddlebags. RADIO: Scientists at the Strategic Space Command have detected a strange radioactive cloud-like mass over southern New England. Sources close to the National Security Committee have refused to comment. Now let's get back to three great modern country hits in a row... The bus pulls up. BUCKAROO BANZAI, RENO NEVADA, and PERFECT TOMMY exit the bus and walk up to NEW JERSEY. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Sidney. NEW JERSEY: Buckaroo! BUCKAROO BANZAI: How's the patient? NEW JERSEY: Oh, fine, he's doing fine, thanks to you. But more importantly, congratulations! You drove through a mountain! BUCKAROO BANZAI: I did. NEW JERSEY: You drove right through a mountain the other day! You did it right... You left me at the operation, you hadn't even said anything about it, you didn't even mention that you were gonna do it... BUCKAROO BANZAI interrupts NEW JERSEY. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Sidney, these are my friends... this is my colleague, Dr. Sidney Zweibel, old medical friend from Columbia P & S. RENO NEVADA: Howdy. NEW JERSEY: How dee do. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Listen, Sidney, I'm glad you could make it, because it looks like we may need an extra hand sooner than I thought. NEW JERSEY: Ah hah. I see. An extra hand. Yeah, I mean, that's what I was wondering about. I got your message about rendezvousing at this address, but I barely had time to pack my saddlebags, then I came here... BUCKAROO BANZAI: Yeah, I can see that. Well, I'm gonna snoop around. Make yourself at home. BUCKAROO BANZAI enters the police station. NEW JERSEY turns to the others. NEW JERSEY: Okay. Ahh... you know, I thought we were gonna rehearse or something. Uh... You know, I'm a big fan of all you guys. I love the comic books, the records... I know you, you're Pecos. PERFECT TOMMY: (offended) Perfect Tommy. NEW JERSEY: Perfect Tommy... I'm sorry. You're... you're Pecos. RENO NEVADA: Pecos is in Tibet. Name's Reno. NEW JERSEY: Heh... Reno. It's an honor. PERFECT TOMMY: Where do ya hail from, Doc? NEW JERSEY: Ah, New Jersey. Fort Lee. RENO NEVADA: Where're your spurs at? NEW JERSEY: (to PERFECT TOMMY) What, is he making fun of me? Interior of the police station. A GUARD lets BUCKAROO BANZAI into the cellblock. GUARD: Third cell on the left. Pink dress. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Arigato. BUCKAROO BANZAI walks over to PENNY PRIDDY's cell. She is lying on the bunk. PENNY PRIDDY: (angrily) What do you want? Huh? What are you doing here? BUCKAROO BANZAI: What are _you_ doing here? PENNY PRIDDY: Why don't you just go away and let me rot? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Who were you _really_ trying to annihilate last night? PENNY PRIDDY: You... just like the papers all say. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Come over here. C'mon. Cut to PERFECT TOMMY walking down the cellblock. He flinches as a hand reaches out from one of the cells. PRISONER: Oh my Gawwwwd, Perfect Tommy! PENNY PRIDDY moves up to the bars separating her from BUCKAROO BANZAI. She is breathing heavily. PENNY PRIDDY: What do you want from me? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Oh... you remind me of someone I once knew, long ago. PENNY PRIDDY: Was she... very beautiful? BUCKAROO BANZAI: (wistfully) She was... Queen of the Netherlands. PENNY PRIDDY: (smiling slightly) A long way from where I come from. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Wyoming? Cody, Wyoming? PENNY PRIDDY: (surprised) No... I'm from Laramie... Except that I was born in Cody. But nobody... BUCKAROO BANZAI: You have family? Back in Cody, I mean? Quick shot of PERFECT TOMMY banging his head gently against the wall as he realizes BUCKAROO BANZAI has fallen for PENNY PRIDDY. PENNY PRIDDY: I don't know. See, I always felt that there was an.. another part of me somewhere... BUCKAROO BANZAI: Another part of you. PENNY PRIDDY: Somewhere, yeah. I'm... I'm adopted. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Of course! BUCKAROO BANZAI snaps his fingers and slaps the bars of the cell. BUCKAROO BANZAI: If it was a snake, it'd have bit me! Another you... PENNY PRIDDY: Anything's possible... BUCKAROO BANZAI: (turning to PERFECT TOMMY) Let her out. PRISONER: Heyyyy, me too. PERFECT TOMMY: Let her out?? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Yeah, let her out. I'll be responsible. PERFECT TOMMY: (astonished) But she's a killer! BUCKAROO BANZAI: Naw, she's not. And give her your coat. PERFECT TOMMY: Why me? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Because you're perfect. PERFECT TOMMY mulls this over. He has no choice but to agree. PERFECT TOMMY: Ah... (smiles) You have a point there. Later. A hotel conference room. RENO NEVADA, PERFECT TOMMY, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, BUCKAROO BANZAI, PROF. HIKITA, NEW JERSEY, SENATOR CUNNINGHAM, and PENNY PRIDDY (still wearing PERFECT TOMMY's jacket) are on stage. JOHN BIGBOOTE, JOHN O'CONNOR, and JOHN GOMEZ are in the audience. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: I'd like to, ah... move this thing along. Perhaps some of you noticed, we have a motorcycle convention rolling in here, we're a little short of time. Besides, I don't imagine you came here to listen to _me_ talk. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE smiles. Nobody laughs at his little joke. PERFECT TOMMY: You're right. Military officers in the audience snicker. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE angrily grabs PERFECT TOMMY's mike and unplugs it as PERFECT TOMMY cracks up. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Ahhh, without further ado, I'd like to, ah, introduce a young man who yesterday took our notions of reality and turned them inside out... Doctor, ah, Buckaroo Banzai. Perhaps you can explain yourself. The audience applauds. A WOMAN REPORTER ogles BUCKAROO BANZAI as he stands up to address the press conference. WOMAN REPORTER: Oooooh. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Mr. Secretary, Senator Cunningham, members of the world press... Cut to exterior shot of the BLACK LECTROID command ship in earth orbit. The BLACK LECTROIDS are eavesdropping on BUCKAROO BANZAI's speech. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Thirty years ago, almost to this day, my mother and father, Drs. Sandra and Masado Banzai, gave their lives for what was then considered to be a very insane notion - the possibility of contacting alien life. Interior of BLACK LECTROID command ship. The WING COMMANDER is seated, listening to BUCKAROO BANZAI's speech on a speaker. CREW MEMBERS perform mysterious tasks in the background. BUCKAROO BANZAI: However, not on another planet, but here. Maybe right inside this table. Living on a simultaneous plane of existence with our own. Conference room. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Perhaps... within a mountain. Quick shot of JOHN GOMEZ staring at BUCKAROO BANZAI and PROF. HIKITA. BUCKAROO BANZAI: See this rock? It's solid matter, right? But in point of fact, the solid parts of this rock, the neutrons, quarks, protons, and electrons comprise only about _one quadrillionth_ of its total volume. Cut to NEW JERSEY, sitting next to SENATOR CUNNINGHAM. He doesn't realize his mike is turned on. NEW JERSEY: (to SENATOR CUNNINGHAM) How many zeros is that? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Quite a few. NEW JERSEY flinches, smiles guiltily, and covers the mike with his hand. BUCKAROO BANZAI: The rest of this rock is actually only empty space. So, back in 1937, Professor Hikita here and Dr. Emilio Lizardo figured that if solid matter was mostly empty space, then a person should be able to discover a way to travel _inside things_. PROF. HIKITA: We at the Banzai Institute have at last found that way. We have created a device called an "oscillation overthruster"... PROF. HIKITA holds up overthruster, which makes beeping noises. JOHN O'CONNOR stares intently at him from the audience. PROF. HIKITA: ... which systematically reorders matter by annihilating electrons, positrons... Cut to PENNY PRIDDY. She has had a flash of insight. PENNY PRIDDY: Oh, oh, I get it! What you're saying is that oppositely charged particles collide and blow each other up in a burst of energy. Like a tiny Big Bang, like a... a... a... b-b-Baby Bang! BUCKAROO BANZAI is impressed. The audience laughs indulgently. PENNY PRIDDY suddenly realizes she's the center of attention. PENNY PRIDDY: Well, I'm, uh, probably just, uh, stating the very obvious. (angrily, to herself) Shut UP... shut UP... BUCKAROO BANZAI: No, no, it's not obvious at all. If it was obvious, everybody would be doing it every day. PENNY PRIDDY gives BUCKAROO BANZAI a worshipful look. BUCKAROO BANZAI: See, by all accounts, it appears as though I literally went right through a mountain. But you could take that mountain, and _pulverize_ it... BUCKAROO BANZAI slams rock down on table. BUCKAROO BANZAI: ... and sift through it like breadcrumbs for the rest of your natural life, and you would never, ever, find.... THIS. BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls cover from a large beaker containing the alien thing he pulled from the jet car's driveshaft. BUCKAROO BANZAI: And yet, this living organism came from out of that mountain, even though I was _never_ inside that mountain! ED comes in, walks up to BUCKAROO BANZAI. ED: President's calling, Buckaroo. BUCKAROO BANZAI: (distracted) The president of what? ED: The President of the _United States_. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Oh. (gives rock to PERFECT TOMMY) Here. PERFECT TOMMY: Later. BUCKAROO BANZAI: So. Where is he? BUCKAROO BANZAI and ED walk to the other side of the stage, towards the exit. ED: Can't tell. It's real fuzzy. I patched him into a pay phone down the hall. As they pass behind PENNY PRIDDY, the overthruster beeps again. PENNY PRIDDY turns around. PENNY PRIDDY: Uh, Dr. Banzai, you... you forgot your thruster. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Why don't you hold onto it for a while ... (grins) PENNY PRIDDY: (Looks at him suggestively as he leaves the room) Anytime ... PROF. HIKITA: Could we have the first question please? WOMAN REPORTER: What about the Pentagon? The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE is not paying attention. PERFECT TOMMY taps him on the shoulder and he turns back to his microphone. WOMAN REPORTER: The possibility of _war_ in the 8th dimension, _Mr. Secretary_? SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: What??? Cut to service corridor in the hotel. BUCKAROO BANZAI, ED, and NEW JERSEY are walking towards a phone booth. BUCKAROO BANZAI enters the booth and picks up the phone. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Mr. President? Some kind of interference... Hello? Mr. President? On board the command ship, the WING COMMANDER is listening. The BLACK LECTROIDS have patched into the phone system. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Mr. President, hello? Hello, Mr. President? Back to phone booth. BUCKAROO BANZAI hears nothing but weird noises on the phone. BUCKAROO BANZAI: What's going on? NEW JERSEY: Maybe it's a prankster? Some computer whiz kid? ED: Not on Elephant Bravo. NEW JERSEY: Oh, Elephant Bravo... ED: Not with an _Alpha_ clearance. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Hello? Mr... (to ED) Look, Ed, go back to the bus, and reroute this call to the President's private suite at Walter Reed Hospital. RAWHIDE: Yeah, make sure this is on the level. We're busy people here. BUCKAROO BANZAI closes the door to the phone booth. NEW JERSEY: (to RAWHIDE) Does the President call him a lot? Cut to command ship. The WING COMMANDER presses a button. Phone booth. A spark arcs between the phone handset and BUCKAROO BANZAI's ear. He grimaces in pain. RAWHIDE slams the phone booth door open and grabs BUCKAROO BANZAI. Sparks jump between them and BUCKAROO BANZAI falls to the floor. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Ahhhhh! Let's go [unintelligible] NEW JERSEY bends down to help BUCKAROO BANZAI. RAWHIDE: Don't touch! NEW JERSEY gets a shock when he touches BUCKAROO BANZAI, who is now frantically scribbling something on the palm of his hand. NEW JERSEY: What's he writing? BUCKAROO BANZAI: CONFERENCE ROOM! Cut to interior of command ship. WING COMMANDER is still eavesdropping. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Conference room! Let's go! WING COMMANDER: Launch thermopod. A CREW MEMBER presses a button. Exterior shot of ship as the thermopod separates from it and descends towards Earth. Conference room. BUCKAROO BANZAI appears at exit and stares at the audience. BUCKAROO BANZAI: There they are. VOICE: Dr. Banzai? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Don't you _see_ them? RAWHIDE: Whaddaya mean? Who? BUCKAROO BANZAI points accusingly at JOHN O'CONNOR and JOHN GOMEZ. He can see through their human disguises. BUCKAROO BANZAI: EVIL, PURE AND SIMPLE, FROM THE 8TH DIMENSION! GET 'EM! JOHN O'CONNOR and JOHN GOMEZ freeze for a second, then jump up. BUCKAROO BANZAI runs towards them. PERFECT TOMMY, on stage, pulls gun and jumps over table onto the floor. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Lectroids! GET 'EM! Audience panics. JOHN BIGBOOTE appears onstage and grabs PROF. HIKITA by the neck, menacing the others with an Uzi. PENNY PRIDDY, behind him, takes and hides the overthruster. JOHN BIGBOOTE: Okay, wise guy! JOHN BIGBOOTE shoots RENO NEVADA, who falls. JOHN BIGBOOTE: Drop those guns, hit the floor! Nobody follows, or the Prof is history! JOHN BIGBOOTE drags PROF. HIKITA off the stage. Nobody can stop him, since he's holding the Uzi to PROF. HIKITA's head. NEW JERSEY and PENNY PRIDDY rush to help RENO. BUCKAROO BANZAI follows the RED LECTROIDS down the service corridor, out ramp to the street, where motorcycles are being unloaded from a truck. He sees them throw something into the back of a van and speed away. BUCKAROO BANZAI hesitates, then commandeers one of the motorcycles. EXHIBITOR: Hey, wait a minute! You can't ride that! BUCKAROO BANZAI starts the motorcycle and pulls away in pursuit of the van. EXHIBITOR: It's Buckaroo Banzai! Shots of van. Screeching tires, etc. Service corridor. PERFECT TOMMY is looking for BUCKAROO BANZAI. Suddenly RAWHIDE appears around a corner. They point guns at each other. PERFECT TOMMY: Halt! RAWHIDE: Freeze! BUCKAROO BANZAI on motorcycle. He's lost the van. He makes a wide circle in the middle of the road, then continues on. Somewhere out in the wilds of New Jersey. Two hunters, BUBBA and BURT, are slogging through the brush with a dog. BUBBA: Had my eyes open all day long, bro. BURT: It may not be a total loss. BUBBA: Well, I'm about ready to go home and do some grazing. BURT: We might see something. BLACK LECTROID thermopod appears behind them, flies low overhead. They both fire at it with shotguns. It weaves wildly, then dives into the trees some distance away. The hunters set off after it. BUBBA: I hit it! It... it's wounded! BURT: What'd it look like to you? BUBBA: Like a big black flyin' dinosaur. BURT: Dinosaur??? BUBBA: That's what it looked like. BURT: It was purple. BUBBA: Black. BURT: Well, it'll be dark before we even _find_ it. Yoyodyne van. JOHN BIGBOOTE is driving, and JOHN GOMEZ is monitoring a radio. JOHN BIGBOOTE: We'll get Professor Hikita to cough up the crucial missing circuit, and then we'll _finally_ get our butts off this rock! JOHN GOMEZ: Oh yeah? Listen to this! JOHN O'CONNOR is siphoning electricity from a battery with a straw. JOHN O'CONNOR: What is it? What IS it? JOHN BIGBOOTE: Black thermopod emergency beacon. JOHN O'CONNOR: Here? On Earth? Why? John Bigboote, why? JOHN GOMEZ: Stop! Electromagnetic energy, back on Route 3! JOHN BIGBOOTE does a bootlegger's turn. Clouds of smoke from the van's tires as it accelerates in the opposite direction. The van rounds a curve. Suddenly BUCKAROO BANZAI is in front of them, on the motorcycle. JOHN BIGBOOTE swerves and the van clips the back end of the motorcycle, which careens off the road into the woods. The van speeds away. It is now dark. The hunters are in a swamp. Their dog senses something and barks. BURT: Whole top of that tree's squashed. BUBBA: You think it's up _there_? Let's wait for the cops, Burt! BURT: What for? You scared? Gotta be something there. BUBBA: C'mon, Burt, there's nothing up there! BURT: Well, how do _you_ know? Here, hold this. Hold this! BUBBA: Where you going? Where you going??? BURT is searching the ground with his flashlight. BURT: Christmas shopping. BUBBA: What's that? BURT: A _stick_. What's it look like? Give me some light, willya? BUBBA: I got two guns in my hands. BURT: Well, put one of them down. BUBBA: I ain't puttin' the guns down! BURT: It's just a tree. BUBBA: Then leave it alone! BURT pokes at the tree with his stick. Suddenly there's a brilliant flash of light and a shower of sparks. BUBBA: See? I told ya! I told ya! Leave it alone! A huge spherical object falls out of the tree. BUBBA: Run! Run! Run! It rolls towards them as they back away. BURT: Shoot it, Bubba! Shoot it! BUBBA: I can't! I can't! It's jammed! It's jammed! The thermopod stops rolling and a hatch on top opens. BURT: There's something... there's something coming out! BUBBA: Where? BURT: Out of the top! Oh, my soul. A dreadlocked BLACK LECTROID, wearing a plaid suit, emerges from the hatch. BURT: Throw me my gun, Bubba. Throw it! BUBBA throws the gun wildly. There is a splash as it lands in water some distance away. BUBBA: Sorry... JOHN BALOOK is now standing on top of the thermopod. Suddenly he loses his balance and falls, striking his head on a rock. BUBBA and BURT examine him. BUBBA: Is he dead? BURT: Yeah, I think so. Yeah. But look at his face! It's changing! BUBBA: And his hair... his hair's all disappearing. What's that smell - you smell electricity? In the foreground, a pink cake box on a string is being lowered from the top of the thermopod. BURT: It's crackling. And we're standing in water. BUBBA: What is it, Burt? Is he radioactive? The cake box touches the ground. JOHN PARKER jumps from the thermopod and lands next to it. BURT and BUBBA don't notice. BURT: How the hell do I know? Do I look like a nuclear genius? It's prob'ly from Mars. Or Jupiter. JOHN PARKER sneaks away into the woods. BUBBA: Jupiter?! I hope he's alone. Burt, there's something over there. BURT: Where? BUBBA: Right there. What is it? BURT cautiously picks up a comic book the first BLACK LECTROID dropped. BURT: Buckaroo Banzai. It's the latest issue. Cut to BUCKAROO BANZAI, in the woods. He was apparently knocked out in the motorcycle crash and has just come to. He pulls out a walkie-talkie. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Rawhide, come in. Rawhide... Rawhide. Cut to RAWHIDE, with another walkie-talkie. RAWHIDE: Buckaroo. What's up? Where in Hades are you? I'm gettin' a lot of static here. Back to BUCKAROO BANZAI. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Yeah... yeah. That's me. I've been ionized, but... ah, I'm OK now. Listen, I'm, ah, switching on the homing beacon. Mark two minute intervals... now. RAWHIDE: Look, uh... we've got the overthruster, but somebody shanghaied the Professor right from the press conference. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Ohhh... the deuce you say. RAWHIDE: Who do you think? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Dr. Lizardo, maybe? RAWHIDE: Yeah, I'd put money on it. BUCKAROO BANZAI: That crate... RAWHIDE: What crate? BUCKAROO BANZAI: The crate they shipped in that van. You and the guys go back to the house, and dig up everything you can on an outfit called Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems. You got that? RAWHIDE: Right. Yoyodyne. We're on it. Back in the swamp. A HIGHWAY PATROLMAN is dragging the corpse of JOHN BALOOK out of the water. Now that he's dead, he no longer looks human. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: Hand me that tarp, willya? Let's cover this guy up. BUBBA: _Guy_? What guy? He's got _paws_. The Yoyodyne van arrives. BURT: _Now_ what? BUBBA: Who're they? HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: Cover it up. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN turns towards the van as JOHN BIGBOOTE, JOHN O'CONNOR, and JOHN GOMEZ walk up. JOHN BIGBOOTE: John Bigboote, Officer. Head of Operations, Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems. One of our birds. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: Yeah? That fellow over there one of your birds too? JOHN BIGBOOTE: The 'droid, you mean? HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: Doesn't look like anything I've seen before. I mean, I've seen 'droids in space movies... JOHN O'CONNOR is standing next to BUBBA, lighting his pipe. He smiles strangely at BUBBA. JOHN O'CONNOR: Nice night, huh? Shot of BUCKAROO BANZAI on motorcycle. Somehow, he has found the crash site. Cut to others standing around the body of JOHN BALOOK as BUCKAROO BANZAI sneaks up to the van. BURT: That big thing over there _attacked_ me. JOHN BIGBOOTE: Impossible. No, no no no no no no. BURT: Yeah! It's some kind of creature! There's part of it, still stuck in the tree. BUBBA: It's a machine with thirty-foot leather wings, and _I_ think it's radioactive. Commo center on BUCKAROO BANZAI's tour bus. Shot of computer monitor displaying a map of New Jersey. There is a flashing circle between East Brunswick and Trenton indicating the position of BUCKAROO BANZAI's homing beacon. PERFECT TOMMY: Three minutes since he last moved. This is a fix. Something is happening. RAWHIDE: Awright. Let's get somebody over there. Al, you set up the grid and, uh, get the last known coordinates. Tommy, you hop on the Marconi, and see if we got any Blue Blaze within a ten-minute radius, but no strike teams, Tommy, understand? All right, I'm headed downstairs. Keep everybody calm. Interior of Yoyodyne van. BUCKAROO BANZAI is prying the lid off a crate with a crowbar. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Ah, Hikita-san. PROF. HIKITA: Buckaroo! BUCKAROO BANZAI reaches for PROF. HIKITA to help him out of the crate. An electric arc jumps between them and BUCKAROO BANZAI falls backwards. Commo center on bus. PERFECT TOMMY is working the radio. PERFECT TOMMY: Repeat. Intrastate outward band five. Coded. Calling all Blue Blaze Irregulars in the Garden State. Cut to SCOOTER LINDLEY in his bedroom. The walls are covered with Buckaroo Banzai posters. He is wearing a Junior Blue Blaze Irregular uniform. PERFECT TOMMY: Buckaroo in trouble. Will repeat coordinates. SCOOTER LINDLEY picks up microphone. SCOOTER LINDLEY: This is Scooter Lindley, Junior Blue Blaze Irregular 41 1/2. Hang on! Exterior shot of CASPER LINDLEY's gas station. SCOOTER LINDLEY dashes out the door. SCOOTER LINDLEY: Dad! Dad! Buckaroo's in trouble! CASPER LINDLEY: Say what?! Interior of van. PROF. HIKITA is still crouched in the crate. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Aliens from the 8th dimension... I'm seeing them now. PROF. HIKITA: You can see them now? Here? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Here. The three jerks driving this van. BUCKAROO BANZAI holds up his right hand, with formula written on it. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Look at this. What is this? PROF. HIKITA: (puzzled) It... it's your _hand_, Buckaroo. BUCKAROO BANZAI: No, no, it's a... formula, it's an antidote of some kind. Whoever it was in that phony phone call from the President gave me information. It's some... some electrochemical message that allows me to see what they _really_ are. PROF. HIKITA: What _are_ they? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Lectroids, from Planet Ten, by way of the 8th dimension. Crash site. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN gives JOHN GOMEZ his wallet back. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: Mr. Gomez. JOHN GOMEZ: We've got a truck on the way to help mop things up. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: Identification? JOHN GOMEZ: This place's become a zoo, not to mention a haven for gawkers. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: Now wait a minute. Just a second. Stay put, all of you. JOHN BIGBOOTE is standing next to the thermopod. JOHN BIGBOOTE: Sure thing. We'll just go ahead and start breaking it down. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: (angrily) Don't touch it! I got my own help on the way. Now, that's an order. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN walks away. JOHN BIGBOOTE: (to JOHN GOMEZ) Go find something to crack it open. Interior of van. BUCKAROO BANZAI: There's a Harley in those bushes. I want you to get on it, go back to the laboratory, and start working on this formula. I want you to synthesize it. BUCKAROO BANZAI starts to leave. PROF. HIKITA: Buckaroo! _Give me_ the formula. BUCKAROO BANZAI pauses, then licks his hand and presses it against PROF. HIKITA's forehead. Buzzing noise and a flash as the formula is stamped on PROF. HIKITA's skin. BUCKAROO BANZAI's house. MRS. JOHNSON is sitting at a desk near the front door opening mail. The doorbell rings. MRS. JOHNSON opens the door. MRS. JOHNSON jumps, RENO NEVADA catches her with one arm. His other arm is in a sling. MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, wow. Peggy! RENO NEVADA: She's not Peggy, Mrs. Johnson. Once she's inside, you'll know what I mean. MRS. JOHNSON: No... of course not. How could she be. RAWHIDE: Any word from Buckaroo? MRS. JOHNSON: No. I thought he was with you guys. RAWHIDE: Naw, he's not. Uh, Dr. Zweibel, Penny Priddy, this is Mrs. Johnson. NEW JERSEY: Nice to meet you. The fellows, uh, call me New Jersey. They head upstairs. PENNY PRIDDY hesitates, then follows them. MRS. JOHNSON intercepts her and blocks her way. PENNY PRIDDY: Well, where are _they_ all going? MRS. JOHNSON: Bunkhouse. Off limits. Crash site. BUCKAROO BANZAI is watching from behind a nearby tree as JOHN GOMEZ whacks the thermopod with a stick. JOHN BIGBOOTE: Again, John Gomez. Interior of the thermopod. JOHN GANT watches the wall shake as JOHN GOMEZ hits it. JOHN GANT seems to have been injured in the crash. JOHN BIGBOOTE: John O'Connor, there's a crowbar in the truck. JOHN O'CONNOR: I'll get it. Cut to command ship. They are in communication with the thermopod. The sound of JOHN GOMEZ pounding on the thermopod wall is audible. WING COMMANDER: Destroy yourself, John Gant. JOHN GANT: My most profuse apologies to my homeland and loved ones. John Balook is dead. He fell on his head. But perhaps John Parker will get through with our message to Buckaroo Banzai. Exterior of thermopod. The HIGHWAY PATROLMAN has come back. HIGHWAY PATROLMAN: I said, BACK OFF! _Now_, damn it, I mean it! JOHN BIGBOOTE punches the HIGHWAY PATROLMAN in the head. He falls. BURT: Hey! JOHN GOMEZ elbows BURT in the stomach. He falls. BUBBA: Hey, leave him alone! JOHN BIGBOOTE punches BUBBA. BUBBA: Ahhh! JOHN O'CONNOR has crept up on BUCKAROO BANZAI from behind. JOHN O'CONNOR grabs his shoulder. JOHN O'CONNOR: Easy, friend. Why, it's Buckaroo Banzai. BUCKAROO BANZAI kicks JOHN O'CONNOR in the groin. He doubles over in pain. JOHN O'CONNOR: Ohhhhh... HEY! IT'S BUCKAROO BANZAI! GET HIM! BUCKAROO BANZAI runs. JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN GOMEZ start after him. JOHN BIGBOOTE: Hustle up! BUCKAROO BANZAI stops at a fence at the edge of a road. Behind him there is an explosion as the thermopod blows up. JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN GOMEZ are close behind. BUCKAROO BANZAI sees headlights of a truck approaching, flags it down, and suddenly realizes a RED LECTROID is driving. Ominous music as BUCKAROO BANZAI flees from the truck. Just as it is about to run him over, a rope ladder appears from nowhere. BUCKAROO BANZAI grabs it and is lifted into the air. The truck skids to a stop. Cut to shot of a helicopter climbing away as BUCKAROO BANZAI hangs on the ladder. The helo has a PA system. SCOOTER LINDLEY: Scooter and Casper Lindley, Blue Blaze Irregulars, at your service, Buckaroo. The helicopter flies away as the RED LECTROIDS look annoyed. Outside the wall of BUCKAROO BANZAI's house. PROF. HIKITA rides up to the gate on the motorcycle. Two Buckaroo Banzai FANS are taking pictures of each other and the house. FEMALE FAN: It _is_. It is Professor Hikita! GUARD: Please stand back. We're closing the gate. Inside, PROF. HIKITA yells something to the guards. Cut to the bunkhouse. NEW JERSEY is playing a piano while BILLY TRAVERS and RAWHIDE are at a computer terminal, trying to log on to the Yoyodyne computer system. RAWHIDE: We gotta have _something_ for him. Try a new cipher. NEW JERSEY plays a final chord on the piano and stops. RAWHIDE looks over at him. RAWHIDE: Try a... _G_ cipher. BILLY TRAVERS: G cipher. (types) There. The login attempt succeeds. RAWHIDE: Ahhh. That's more like it. BILLY TRAVERS: Looks like we've accessed their restricted data file. Could be _highly_ revealing. RENO NEVADA: No sign of Buckaroo... but the professor just rode up, saying something about space monsters and where's the overthruster, went straight to the lab. PERFECT TOMMY: Space monsters, my ass. Outside. The FANS are cuddling together under a blanket, lying on the hood of their car. JOHN PARKER rides up on a bicycle. MALE FAN: Hey, man, nice jacket. JOHN PARKER goes up to gate, punches it several times. MALE FAN: What's in the big pink box? PINKY CARRUTHERS sticks his head up over the top of the gate. PINKY CARRUTHERS: Hey. Buddy. Can I help you? JOHN PARKER: 'Ello! Buckaroo Banzai? PINKY CARRUTHERS: Are you a messenger? Whatcha got here? PINKY CARRUTHERS reaches down and takes the cake box. JOHN PARKER: No, no, look! Wait a minute! I need see Buckaroo Banzai in person. My name is John Parker. Identify you self, na? PINKY CARRUTHERS: Blue Blaze Irregular, Pinky Carruthers. Sorry, John, everybody "need see Buckaroo". Later. PINKY CARRUTHERS disappears behind the gate. Cut to bunkhouse. RAWHIDE hands the overthruster to somebody. RAWHIDE: JL, run this down to the Professor for me. Sounds like he's gettin' a little nervous. Shot of computer terminal displaying names from the Yoyodyne personnel database. BILLY TRAVERS: This is queer, look. NEW JERSEY: What's that? Whaddaya got? BILLY TRAVERS: All these people applied for Social Security cards in the same town in New Jersey on the _exact same_ date. NEW JERSEY: (thoughtfully) New Jersey. BILLY TRAVERS: Forty-six Yoyodyne employees, Grover's Mill, New Jersey, eleven one thirty-eight. PERFECT TOMMY, at another terminal, has called up digitized pictures of Yoyodyne employees. PERFECT TOMMY: I got some pictures, boys. RENO NEVADA: It's like a practical joke! Check out these names. John Yaya, John Parrot... John Bigbooty? BILLY TRAVERS: Maybe not. John Nolan, John O'Connor... RENO NEVADA: No way, Jose. John Small Berries?! It's a joke. Maybe that's what, ah, Buckaroo was talking about. NEW JERSEY: (thinking hard) No, no, Reno, there are no ages or places of birth. Uh... Grover's Mill. Grover's Mill... nineteen thirty-eight... why is that so... familiar? ---------------------------------- CUT HERE ---------------------------------- End of part 1. >From firstname.lastname@example.org Thu Dec 5 19:33:36 1991 Received: from unmvax.cs.unm.edu by dreamtime.unm.edu (4.1/3.1) id ; Thu, 5 Dec 91 19:33:20 MST Received: from bbx.UUCP by unmvax.cs.unm.edu (5.61/3.3) with UUCP id ; Thu, 5 Dec 91 19:28:56 -0700 Received: from yenta.UUCP by bbx.basis.com with UUCP (5.59/25-eef) id AA11547; Thu, 5 Dec 91 18:42:53 MST Received: by yenta.alb.nm.us (smail2.5) id AA05989; 5 Dec 91 17:43:07 MST (Thu) Subject: Forwarded mail...part 2 To: email@example.com Date: Thu, 5 Dec 91 17:42:56 MST X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.2 PL0] Message-Id: <9112051743.AA05989@yenta.alb.nm.us> From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Synth F. Oberheim) Status: OR Forwarded message: >From uucp Thu Dec 5 16:55 MST 1991 Date: Thu, 5 Dec 91 16:44:40 -0500 From: Laurence Doering Message-Id: <email@example.com> To: yenta!synth No, it's not a joke. Let me know if you got it okay. Larry Doering (part 2 of 2) ---------------------------------- CUT HERE ---------------------------------- PERFECT TOMMY: They all have the same first name. John, John, John, John, John. BILLY TRAVERS: Somebody's playing games here. It's statistically impossible. NEW JERSEY: Nahhh... no, no, wait a minute... November 1, uh... October... thirty days have September, April, June, and November, when the list is done, all the rest have thirty-one. October 31st. Uh, Halloween.... (snaps fingers) Oh! Don't you get it? Orson Welles! BILLY TRAVERS: You mean the guy from the old wine commercials. NEW JERSEY: Halloween. 1938. The "War of the Worlds." That fake radio news broadcast that got everybody scared, thinking that real live Martians... were landing in Grover's Mill.... New Jersey... then it all just turned out to be a hoax. PERFECT TOMMY: So? NEW JERSEY: So... maybe it wasn't a hoax. Or, I mean maybe it _isn't_ a hoax. Daylight. The Yoyodyne van stops outside the wall, some distance from the gate. JOHN PARKER is hiding in bushes across the street. JOHN BIGBOOTE: If we don't find that overthruster, John Whorfin will have us for supper. JOHN GOMEZ: Who says the damn thing's even here? The RED LECTROIDS look around, then jump to the top of the wall and down on the other side. JOHN PARKER stands up, crosses the street. The RED LECTROIDS run off into a stand of trees inside the compound. JOHN PARKER jumps over the wall, and is cautiously following them when he is jumped from behind by two BLUE BLAZE IRREGULARS guarding the compound. They knock him unconscious. BLUE BLAZE 1: Who is he? BLUE BLAZE 2: I dunno. BUCKAROO BANZAI's garage. SAM is working under the jet car. Suddenly a large water cooler bottle rolls down the ramp and bangs into things. SAM gets up. SAM: (annoyed) All right, who's the wise guy?... I _said_, who's the wise guy? JOHN BIGBOOTE pops up and spits something at SAM. The impact throws SAM across the garage. Shot of CASPER LINDLEY's helicopter landing in the Banzai compound. Back in the garage, JOHN BIGBOOTE tries to open the jet car's door. JOHN BIGBOOTE: It's locked. He pokes around the jet car. JOHN BIGBOOTE: John O'Connor, smash the window. JOHN O'CONNOR: Why me, John Bigboote? JOHN BIGBOOTE hands JOHN O'CONNOR a wrench. JOHN BIGBOOTE: It might be booby-trapped. JOHN O'CONNOR: Oh. JOHN O'CONNOR smashes the jet car's window. Front hall. MRS. JOHNSON is at her desk. BUCKAROO BANZAI and the LINDLEYS burst in. MRS. JOHNSON: Buckaroo! BUCKAROO BANZAI: Mrs. Johnson, this is Casper and Scooter Lindley. Is Hikita-san here yet? Where's the overthruster? Where's Penny? MRS. JOHNSON: The Prof is in the, ah, lab with the overthruster. Penny's in the right-wing guest room. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Good. MRS. JOHNSON: Everybody's safe and sound. BUCKAROO BANZAI and the LINDLEYS head for the stairs. They meet RENO NEVADA, NEW JERSEY, and RAWHIDE coming down. RENO NEVADA: They're Lectroids, Buckaroo. NEW JERSEY: Planet Ten. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Planet Ten? How do you guys know that? RAWHIDE: It's all in the yellow record. Come on. RENO NEVADA: Heyyy, Casper Lindley! CASPER LINDLEY: Reno. They go upstairs. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Yellow record? PERFECT TOMMY: However, they didn't come here on a non-stop flight. They blasted through the 8th dimension in 1938, over in Grover's Mill. NEW JERSEY: Where there was a huge electrical dimensional accident, some giant explosion, and they _hypnotized_ Orson Welles into covering it up, so first he says there's an invasion from Mars, but then he says no no no, it was just a radio show hoax. Get it? BUCKAROO BANZAI: No. PERFECT TOMMY: Let's go. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Orson Welles?? What about Yoyodyne? What about Dr. Lizardo? NEW JERSEY: That's what we're trying to tell you. RENO NEVADA: There's _someone_ living inside him! They go down the upstairs hall to the bunkhouse. BILLY TRAVERS: Here, y'all put these on. There's one in the box, one over there... BILLY TRAVERS distributes lectroid goggles. They all put them on. BUCKAROO BANZAI: What's this? RENO NEVADA: It came with the record. It's like a 3-D type thing. RENO NEVADA is preparing the BLACK LECTROID message device. PINKY CARRUTHERS: How was _I_ supposed to know he came from outer space? This Rasta guy pedals up to the front gate and delivers it all in a pink _cake_ box. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Why? What for? NEW JERSEY: We don't know. It wouldn't tell us. It wants to talk to the head honcho. RENO NEVADA: Lights! They turn the lights off. A column of light appears from the device, and resolves into the image of JOHN EMDALL, a dreadlocked woman in a silver uniform. JOHN EMDALL: Salutations, great Buckaroo Banzai. I am John Emdall, from Planet Ten. A common grave danger confronts both our worlds. After a bloody reign of terror... MRS. JOHNSON enters. She squints, trying to see what's going on. MRS. JOHNSON: Hey, what _is_ that? RAWHIDE puts a pair of the goggles on MRS. JOHNSON. JOHN EMDALL: ... the hated leader of our military caste, the self-proclaimed Lord John Whorfin, a bloodthirsty butcher as evil as your Hitler... MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, wow... JOHN EMDALL: ... was overthrown by freedom-loving forces, tried, and condemned, along with several hundred of his followers, to spend eternity in the formless void of the 8th dimension. Death was deemed... RAWHIDE: (to MRS. JOHNSON) Did you tell Penny Buckaroo was looking for her? MRS. JOHNSON: I looked in her room, she wasn't there. JOHN EMDALL: ... too good for them. BILLY TRAVERS: Who's Penny? RAWHIDE: Well, where is she? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Will everybody please _shut up_ so I can hear the rest of this thing? JOHN EMDALL: Now, you, Buckaroo Banzai, have unintentionally _helped_ John Whorfin with your oscillation overthruster. For our intelligence warns us he intends to _steal_ your overthruster. If he should attempt this, we will have _no choice_ but to disrupt world-wide electronic communications, and fire a particle beam weapon from your airspace to Smolensk, in the Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics. PERFECT TOMMY: (alarmed) That's an action the Kremlin would most certainly misinterpret as an American first strike! They're already a little trigger- happy as it is! JOHN EMDALL: Stop... John... Whorfin... before sun... set! If you fail, we will be _forced_ to help you destroy yourselves. RAWHIDE: I'll tell you, if it ain't one thing, it's another. PINKY CARRUTHERS: I know. JOHN EMDALL: (sternly) End of discussion. NEW JERSEY: Discussion?! What discussion? The message ends and the image of JOHN EMDALL fades out. CASPER LINDLEY: She gotta be kiddin', right? Vaporize the whole damn _planet_? BUCKAROO BANZAI: You wanna roll those dice, Casper? CASPER LINDLEY: No... no-ho-ho, no, no. Not me, man. No way. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Gents... we're going to Yoyodyne. Rawhide, see how Hikita-san's coming with that formula. RAWHIDE: Right. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Billy, tell Sam to prep the jet car for city driving. PERFECT TOMMY: What about a Blue Blaze strike team? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Naw, we'll keep it intimate. Call the Kolodny brothers, call the Rugsuckers. PERFECT TOMMY: Where're you going? BUCKAROO BANZAI: To get my guns. BUCKAROO BANZAI's bedroom. PENNY PRIDDY is hiding in the bathroom. BUCKAROO BANZAI pokes around, looking for his guns. PENNY PRIDDY: Okay, okay, I'm a girl. I won't deny it. I sneaked into your bedroom, I invaded your privacy, I went through all your personal belongings... BUCKAROO BANZAI: (frustrated) Ohhh... MRS. JOHNSON! I can never find anything around here. PENNY PRIDDY: ... I took a bath! BUCKAROO BANZAI: Penny, what's your problem? BUCKAROO BANZAI has found his guns. He pulls a holster from a cabinet. PENNY PRIDDY: Me! You! That picture! I think I'm going crazy... Who's that girl, Buckaroo? What's going on around here? You drag me out of jail, you're... you're like Jerry Lewis, you give me hope to carry on, but... then you leave me in the lurch while you strap on your six-guns! What do you want from me, Buckaroo? Who am I? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Near as I can figure, you had an identical twin sister... and I married her... PENNY PRIDDY slowly opens the bathroom door and looks at BUCKAROO BANZAI. BUCKAROO BANZAI: ... but that's all over now, and she's gone, and that's about all there is for me to say about that... A laboratory. PROF. HIKITA and an ASSISTANT are bending over a large Erlenmeyer flask full of bubbling green liquid. PROF. HIKITA paces, deep in thought, while the ASSISTANT watches. PROF. HIKITA: Don't know what to expect here... all the standard pictures... it's producing a magnetic force... No, no, I'm wrong! Suddenly JOHN BIGBOOTE appears behind the ASSISTANT. He throws him to the floor and spits something at him. The ASSISTANT yelps. PROF. HIKITA grabs the overthruster and escapes. Hall outside the lab. RAWHIDE is patrolling. He spots JOHN BIGBOOTE leaving the lab and chases him. BUCKAROO BANZAI's bedroom. BUCKAROO BANZAI and PENNY PRIDDY are gazing into each other's eyes. PENNY PRIDDY slowly moves towards him. PENNY PRIDDY: Ohhhh, tell me I'm dreaming... They are about to kiss when PENNY PRIDDY touches BUCKAROO BANZAI's hand. There is a bright blue spark as PENNY PRIDDY is shocked. PENNY PRIDDY: OWWW! She shakes her hand, obviously in pain. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Sorry, I'm _sorry_, I got... PERFECT TOMMY bursts in on them. PERFECT TOMMY: Buckaroo! Sorry... Sam's dead. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Sam? PERFECT TOMMY: Someone broke into the jet car. Things are going haywire over at the lab. BUCKAROO BANZAI: (to PENNY) Wait here, I'll be right back. PENNY PRIDDY: Uh... In the lab. BUCKAROO BANZAI bends down over the body of the ASSISTANT. RENO NEVADA: Holy... BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls a gooey spider-like thing off the ASSISTANT's neck. RENO NEVADA: He's dead. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Spread out. They can't be very far off. They rush into the hall. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Okay, Tommy, check the biomedical labs. Reno, you take the physics wing. Jersey, go with Reno. NEW JERSEY: Where're you going? BUCKAROO BANZAI: Engineering. They separate. As PERFECT TOMMY and NEW JERSEY move off, NEW JERSEY is pointing his gun at the ceiling. PERFECT TOMMY: Cowboy! NEW JERSEY: What? PERFECT TOMMY: Hold the gun in front of you, man. NEW JERSEY: Oh, I see... okay. It's... okay. BUCKAROO BANZAI goes down a corridor. An alarm is sounding. He passes a file cabinet with one drawer open and the files inside burning. BUCKAROO BANZAI enters a room, discovers RAWHIDE struggling with JOHN BIGBOOTE. RAWHIDE: Buckaroo, behind you! BUCKAROO BANZAI shoots at JOHN BIGBOOTE, misses. JOHN BIGBOOTE spits at RAWHIDE and escapes through a window. BUCKAROO BANZAI grabs RAWHIDE, eases him to the floor. RAWHIDE: (in pain) Ooooh.... BUCKAROO BANZAI: You... you okay? RAWHIDE: (with difficulty) Yeah... yeah, just... get my breath... the Professor went down... into the purification vent. He's got the overthruster... BUCKAROO BANZAI: Great. BUCKAROO BANZAI exits through the window. Meanwhile, NEW JERSEY and RENO NEVADA are searching another lab. They pass racks of equipment, including a large watermelon clamped into some sort of apparatus. NEW JERSEY: Why is there a watermelon there? RENO NEVADA: I'll tell you later. Shots of BUCKAROO BANZAI cautiously searching dimly-lit corridors and PROF. HIKITA down in the basement, searching for a way out. Cut to PENNY PRIDDY descending stairs to the basement. PENNY PRIDDY: Buckaroo? Rawhide? Anybody?... Shot of JOHN BIGBOOTE in basement, looking for PROF. HIKITA. PENNY PRIDDY enters a room. There is a barrier down the center. PROF. HIKITA is on the other side, trying to unlock a gate in the barrier. PENNY PRIDDY gasps in surprise when she sees PROF. HIKITA. PROF. HIKITA: Here, young lady. The overthruster... JOHN BIGBOOTE is outside the room. He begins to pound on the door on PROF. HIKITA's side. PROF. HIKITA takes the overthruster out of its case and slides it under the barrier to PENNY PRIDDY. PROF. HIKITA: Put it in your purse. JOHN BIGBOOTE breaks the door open. PENNY PRIDDY takes the overthruster and runs. PROF. HIKITA is trapped against the barrier. PROF. HIKITA: Nooo! JOHN BIGBOOTE grabs him. JOHN BIGBOOTE: Where's your overthruster, LITTLE MAN? BUCKAROO BANZAI appears at the end of the hall. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Hikita-san! BUCKAROO BANZAI shoots at JOHN BIGBOOTE, misses, and drops to the floor. JOHN BIGBOOTE spits at BUCKAROO BANZAI, likewise misses, turns, and runs. PENNY PRIDDY rounds a corner at the bottom of the basement stairs and runs into JOHN O'CONNOR. He smiles strangely. JOHN O'CONNOR: Nice morning, huh? PENNY PRIDDY gulps. BUCKAROO BANZAI and PROF. HIKITA chase JOHN BIGBOOTE, but are blocked by a metal door. JOHN BIGBOOTE has torn a small hole in the door and escaped. Back in the lab where RAWHIDE was hit, PERFECT TOMMY and NEW JERSEY are trying to help him. RAWHIDE: It's just like my legs are asleep, know what I'm saying? PERFECT TOMMY: What the hell is _wrong_ with him? NEW JERSEY: I dunno. I dunno. (to RAWHIDE) Are you _cold_? BUCKAROO BANZAI and PROF. HIKITA enter. BUCKAROO BANZAI: (to RAWHIDE) What're you still doing on the floor, pal? RAWHIDE: Well, I think it's 'cause I can't move my legs. NEW JERSEY examines RAWHIDE, pulls something off his back. RAWHIDE: Ooooh! Damn. RAWHIDE: What is it, Apache? NEW JERSEY: Radioactivity... RAWHIDE: Ohhh, spiders... so I was right, huh? PINKY CARRUTHERS enters, escorting JOHN PARKER. PINKY CARRUTHERS: We got the guy, Rawhide. Saw him in the hall, and... BUCKAROO BANZAI: (to JOHN PARKER) Any antidote for these things? JOHN PARKER: Nooo, not at all. JOHN PARKER squashes the spider-thing on the floor. PERFECT TOMMY: So, that mean you're on our side? JOHN PARKER: That's right. RAWHIDE: Ohhhh... oh, man... those things pack a mean wallop, uh?... RAWHIDE looks around. He is fading fast. RAWHIDE: What're y'all lookin' at?... We're on the clock, saddle up, huh? RAWHIDE's eyes close and he dies. Sound of a helicopter taking off outside. They run to the window. CASPER LINDLEY: Hey, man, they're stealin' my helicopter! RENO NEVADA: They got Penny! PROF. HIKITA: She... she has the overthruster! BUCKAROO BANZAI: We'll get it back! We'll get it back. Later, in PRESIDENT WIDMARK's hospital room. PRESIDENT WIDMARK is strapped into some kind of rotating frame, surrounded by medical equipment. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: It's... it's not Buckaroo Banzai _per se_, Mr. President. It's his _men_. Foreigners, some of them! Or their names have been changed. Their _true_ backgrounds are shrouded in secrecy! Now, all I'm saying is that this jet car belongs in the hands of Defense. I mean, uh... if the Banzai Institute doesn't want to sell it to us, then we're gonna have to _take_ it from them! In, uh, the national interest, of course. Somebody knocks on the door. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Come in. SMIRNOFF: Excuse me, Mr. President. World Watch One, direct incoming transmission. SMIRNOFF wheels a videophone into the room, turns it on. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Hello, Mr. President. I know your back is killing you, but, uh, I have a developing situation here and I must speak frankly. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Buckaroo, ahh.... Secretary of Defense McKinley and my National Security Advisor Smirnoff are... visiting me, but I have no secrets from them. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Well, something has reared its ugly head in outer space, Mr. President, and it looks like the Earth is caught in a crossfire. We have reason to believe that there are _vicious red aliens_ walking freely among us. Posing as the owners and operators of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Ahh... Yoyodyne Propulsion, ahh... the people working on our Truncheon bomber? SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: (shocked) In the hands of _foreign nationals_?!? JOHN PARKER appears next to BUCKAROO BANZAI on the screen. JOHN PARKER: Excuse me, Mr. President. Time is short. In order to prevent John Whorfin's escape, my comrades are at this moment takin' up a geostationary position over New Jersey. De situation is explosive! SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: What the _hell_ is that? PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Explosive? What are you saying, man? Some kind of race war in New Jersey? BUCKAROO BANZAI: No, Mr. President, no. This... this _man_, as you call him, is not a human being at all, but is in fact a black lectroid, named John Parker, from the very same Planet Ten, and his spaceship is at this moment anchored above Yoyodyne. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Yoyodyne!.... PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Buckaroo... my good friend... Cut to commo center on the bus. NJ is looking into a microscope. His voice can be heard on the videophone. NEW JERSEY: That's it! These red creatures, they somehow give off the bacteria, we breath it, it swims up our nose... to our cerebral cortex, where it literally _talks_ to our brain cells, tells us to see exactly what _they_ want us to see. PROF. HIKITA: Electric brainwashing. Back to hospital room. The PRESIDENT WIDMARK looks mystified. NEW JERSEY: ... Diabolical. They get us so confused, they... PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Buckaroo... I, uh... I don't know what to say. Lectroids? Planet Ten? Nuclear? Extortion? A girl named John? PERFECT TOMMY: Buckaroo! Lectroid Wing Commander. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Excuse me, Mr. President. I have to go talk to the hornet's nest. JOHN PARKER waves to the PRESIDENT. The transmission ends. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Good God. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Well, if it wasn't Buckaroo Banzai, I'd say commit the man. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Get me SAC Headquarters, NORAD, and the Strategic Space Command. I want some hard data on that cloud. John! Get out in the field. Stick your beak into this one! Commo center on the bus. PERFECT TOMMY is staring at a monitor, which is displaying a picture of the BLACK LECTROID command ship. PERFECT TOMMY: What's this thing _made_ of? NEW JERSEY: Cobalt and electricity! RENO NEVADA: They're armed for _bear_, Buckaroo. A telephone rings. PERFECT TOMMY: World Watch One... Buckaroo! It's Whorfin. BUCKAROO BANZAI turns the speakerphone on so everyone can hear. DR. LIZARDO: Dr. Banzai... Cut to Yoyodyne. DR. LIZARDO is on the phone. Various RED LECTROIDS are working behind him. DR. LIZARDO: Ehh... yes, this is, eh... Emilio Lizardo. Maybe you don't-a remember me. ... Ah. I'm flattered. Ehhh... we know the same people! Shot of PENNY PRIDDY, tied to a chair and gagged. JOHN O'CONNOR is pouring honey on her from a squeeze bottle. DR. LIZARDO: Yeah, in fact, one of them is with me right now. Your, ehh... associate, Doctor Penny Priddy. Cut to BUCKAROO BANZAI. He looks surprised, and covers the mouthpiece of the phone. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Doctor?? Back to Yoyoydyne. DR. LIZARDO: Ehhh... may I pass along my congratulations for your great-a interdimensional breakthrough. I'm sure, in the MISERABLE ANNALS OF THE EARTH, you will be DULY ENSHRINED! JOHN BIGBOOTE is examining the contents of PENNY PRIDDY's purse. He hasn't found the overthruster. DR. LIZARDO: However, ah, Miss Priddy claims to be unable to solve _my_ problem. And provide me... Shot of JOHN O'CONNOR smiling diabolically at PENNY PRIDDY as he shows her a container of red ants. DR. LIZARDO: ... with the crucial missing circuit for MY overthruster! BUCKAROO BANZAI: (to others) He hasn't found it. He hasn't found it. DR. LIZARDO: Maybe you can convince her to TRY. John O'Connor! JOHN O'CONNOR removes PENNY PRIDDY's gag. DR. LIZARDO holds phone up to her. PENNY PRIDDY: (defiantly) I'm not worth it, Buckaroo! Forget about me! They'll never break me! Never! BUCKAROO BANZAI: Penny, get *off the phone*. Dr. Lizardo, really, what does she know about your overthruster? She's not a scientist... DR. LIZARDO: Then... shall we say... a "penny" for your thoughts? Hah hah hah! PENNY PRIDDY spits at DR. LIZARDO. He takes the phone and sits back down. DR. LIZARDO: Maybe _you_ can come in her place, huh? Yoyodyne, Banzai. You know the address. Come alone. And bring your overthruster! DR. LIZARDO slams the phone down. DR. LIZARDO: He'll come. I know his-a type. TAKE HER TO THE PIT! Go, Bigbooty! PENNY PRIDDY struggles as JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN O'CONNOR untie her and haul her away. PENNY PRIDDY: NOOO! DR. LIZARDO: Use more honey! Find out what she knows! In the comm center on the bus. Everybody is wearing yellow plastic vests with hoses and mouthpieces attached to them. BUCKAROO BANZAI: These breathing devices Hikita-san has cooked up will enable you to see these beings as they really are, as I've been seeing them since yesterday. As Lectroids. And to our eyes, they're not very pretty. Nothing personal, John Parker. NEW JERSEY looks at JOHN PARKER. He sees a man with dreadlocks. NEW JERSEY breathes from the mouthpiece. BUCKAROO BANZAI: If we blow this today, there ain't no tomorrow. NEW JERSEY looks at JOHN PARKER again. He sees a Black Lectroid. JOHN PARKER: We have only two hundred and forty minutes remaining. NEW JERSEY looks very disturbed. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Right. I'm working under the assumption that Penny still has the overthruster, but this psycho Whorfin doesn't know that. So that'll be my job, to get her and it back in one piece. Your objective is to eighty-six Whorfin. You know your two strike groups. Apache Group, that's you, Reno; Chapparal Group, that's you, Perfect Tommy. John Parker, you ride with Chapparal. It's my guess that no human being has ever been inside the place, so who knows what we're gonna find there. Top priority is the overthruster. Without it, Whorfin can't get off this planet. This homing device will probably make it very easy to find. It may be a lot harder to get back. PRESIDENT WIDMARK's hospital room. SMIRNOFF is on the phone. SMIRNOFF: Strategic Space Command now reports all survei-- surveiling satellite communication jammed. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Jammed?! By who? Who by? SMIRNOFF: Ah, possible atmospheric conditions, sir. Solar. SENATOR CUNNINGHAM: Solar? SMIRNOFF: Intelligence confirms that Soviets are having the same problem. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Ahhh... Should we be on _Code Red_? GENERAL CATBURD: We go to Code Red, the Russians go to Code Red. No sense going off half-cocked, Mr. President. SENATOR CUNNINGHAM: I don't know, but Buckaroo Banzai has never been wrong before. GENERAL CATBURD: The man's been through _solid matter_, for crying out loud! Who knows what's happened to his brain? Maybe it's scrambled his molecules! All I'm saying is, Mr. President, let's not _panic_! Weird electronic noises as the room lights flicker and turn red. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: What's happening? SMIRNOFF: Uh... electromagnetic pulse, sir. Russians just gone to Defense Condition Two, sir. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: We've no choice, then. GENERAL CATBURD: Mr. President, I am a soldier. And I'm a damn good one. I've got enough decorations to snap a Christmas tree. All I'm trying to say is, and I hope I speak for everyone in this room, is that I am scared. I'm barely holding my... fudge, right now. Cut to SENATOR CUNNINGHAM. She is disgusted. SENATOR CUNNINGHAM: Stop acting like a goddamn schoolgirl, General, and pull yourself together. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: I'm glad _someone_ has the _balls_ to face facts! Staging area. BUCKAROO BANZAI is preparing to leave for Yoyodyne in the jet car. PERFECT TOMMY: Don't embarrass us. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Have I ever?... Give me thirty minutes, then come in and mop up. He starts the jet car. It sounds like it needs a new muffler. Hallway at Yoyodyne. JOHN O'CONNOR is dragging PENNY PRIDDY to the Pit. She breaks away and runs. Another RED LECTROID appears in front of her and they grab her. She struggles. PENNY PRIDDY: No... oh no! JOHN O'CONNOR: I've had ENOUGH of you, Penny Priddy! They wrestle her to the floor, which is ankle-deep in greenish water. PENNY PRIDDY: Nooo! PRESIDENT WIDMARK's hospital room. MRS. JOHNSON has just finished playing JOHN EMDALL's message. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Well... Mrs. Johnson, thank you. It's certainly... food for thought. SMIRNOFF: No answer at the Kremlin, sir. Just dead silence. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: Then, I guess... the moment is upon us. GENERAL CATBURD: Here ya go, Mr. President. The Presidential emergency action document. For your eyes only. John Hancock these, and Hail Mary. GENERAL CATBURD hands documents to the PRESIDENT. SENATOR CUNNINGHAM: You know... on second thought, maybe we should think this through a bit more, so that future generations of Americans will... The lights dim and flicker again. More weird electronic noises. MRS. JOHNSON: Oh, wow. PRESIDENT WIDMARK: (reading document) Declaration of War - the Short Form. Road outside the Yoyodyne plant. The jet car pulls up to the gate. GUARD: Okay, bring that thing right through the gate. Straight ahead. Straight ahead. Interior of the plant. DR. LIZARDO is on a high platform, haranguing the RED LECTROIDS. He is wearing his greatcoat and medals, and trying to imitate Benito Mussolini. DR. LIZARDO: BLACKS! Are on this planet! HERE! In-a New Jersey! Coming to destroy us! We must act! ESCAPE, or DIE! We must-a work _faster_, to-a finish the Great Vehicle Itself, so that we can-a enter the 8th dimension, and FREE our trapped comrades, so we can return home, and-a seize power once again! WHAT IS THE GREATEST JOY? RED LECTROIDS on the floor of the plant are sitting around, eating junk food and watching TV. They don't seem too excited. RED LECTROIDS: The joy of duty. DR. LIZARDO: LOUDER! RED LECTROIDS: The joy of duty! DR. LIZARDO: History... is-a made at night! Character... is what you are in the dark! We must WORK, while the clock, she's-a ticking! RED LECTROID: John Whorfin, destroy them! DR. LIZARDO: We hide, they seek! RED LECTROID: Death to the Black Lectroids! DR. LIZARDO: WHERE ARE WE GOING? The RED LECTROIDS are a little more animated now. RED LECTROIDS: Planet Ten! DR. LIZARDO: WHEN? RED LECTROIDS: Real Soon! Directed by the GUARD, BUCKAROO BANZAI drives the jet car into the building. GUARD: C'mon, bring it over here. This way. _This_ way! Now park it. BUCKAROO BANZAI climbs out as RED LECTROIDS surround the car. DR. LIZARDO watches from a catwalk as JOHN GOMEZ searches the jet car. JOHN GOMEZ: There's no overthruster! Get him in here. Get him out of there! I wanna see his face! IT'S NOT HERE! JOHN BIGBOOTE punches BUCKAROO BANZAI in the stomach. DR. LIZARDO: Take him... to the Shock Tower! Shot of PENNY PRIDDY in the Pit. Sound of water dripping. She is tied to some kind of frame. A tarantula is crawling up her leg. Meanwhile, BUCKAROO BANZAI has been put in the Shock Tower. A device is lowered onto his head. DR. LIZARDO: The equations... solve them! Enter your data on this-a keypad. And they better be right. The Shock Tower... is a lie detector. Any falsehood triggers a brutal charge to your... auditory meatus. COMPUTER VOICE: Open circuit. DR. LIZARDO: So??! BUCKAROO BANZAI: You're not getting _jack_ from me until you let Penny out of this junkyard. DR. LIZARDO: CURSE-A YOU, BANZAI! Don't you-a realize what you are _saying_? Your whole planet's gonna be destroyed, and you sit here wasting time! BUCKAROO BANZAI: Time? I've got nothing _but_ time. DR. LIZARDO throws a switch and BUCKAROO BANZAI is shocked. DR. LIZARDO: (gloating) Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife... Doomed is-a your soul, and damned is-a your life! BUCKAROO BANZAI: Buh... buzz off. DR. LIZARDO: Bigbooty, more power to him. JOHN BIGBOOTE: (annoyed) Bigboo-TAY. DR. LIZARDO: I want-a my missing circuit! NOW! JOHN BIGBOOTE turns the power up. BUCKAROO BANZAI is shocked again, and screams. Staging area. PERFECT TOMMY is sitting under a large umbrella outside the tour bus. A helicopter lands and drops off the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE as the Rugsuckers' van arrives. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE strides up to PERFECT TOMMY. PERFECT TOMMY: Is there something I can help you with, John? SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Is Buckaroo upstairs? JOHN PARKER exits the bus, waves to the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE. JOHN PARKER: 'Ello, Mr. Secret'ry. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Where is he? The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE climbs aboard the bus. Back to the Shock Tower. BUCKAROO BANZAI has not been cooperative. COMPUTER VOICE: That won't work either. DR. LIZARDO: Cursed computer! He stands up and snaps his fingers. A RED LECTROID moves to turn several TV monitors on. DR. LIZARDO: Eyy, Banzai. Take a look at-a your girl friend. DR. LIZARDO grins, then notices one monitor is blank. He curses in Italian and switches it on. PENNY PRIDDY is visible in the Pit. DR. LIZARDO: She'll-a live, but... only for a while. And she won't-a enjoy it! Only _you_ can save her from a fate even worse than that-a of your friend, Mr. Rawhide! BUCKAROO BANZAI: The missing circuit's in your _head_, Whorfin. DR. LIZARDO: Bigbooty... activate your probes! JOHN BIGBOOTE throws switch. BUCKAROO BANZAI is shocked again. He grits his teeth. The tour bus passes a billboard showing a Boy Scout holding a tiny American flag and saluting the Yoyodyne logo. At the top is the legend "The Future Begins Tomorrow." At the bottom, it says "A Growing Excited Company." (A second sign says "Home of the Truncheon Bomber".) The bus pulls up to the main gate. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Slow this sucker down. I'll handle these birds. GUARD: Whoa! The bus stops. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE jumps off and goes up to the guard shack. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: You young gentlemen have a telephone in here, ah, you wanna jump on the horn and get me Mr. John Big Boot? GUARD: Bigboo-TAY. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Oh, hell, wanna do _anything_ nowadays, you gotta do it yourself! The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE storms into the shack. JOHN YAYA follows and grabs the phone before the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE can pick it up. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: What is your name? The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE pulls a notebook out of his pocket. Outside, the tour bus drives through the gate. The security guards don't notice. GUARD: John Yaya. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: John Yaya, huh? And you are... (reads his badge) John Small Berries! The tour bus pulls to a stop inside the Yoyodyne complex. The door is flung open and various Hong Kong Cavaliers jump out, brandishing assorted assault weapons. They cautiously head for the main building. PERFECT TOMMY is in the lead. JOHN PARKER: (pointing) It's down dere. PERFECT TOMMY: What? JOHN PARKER: I feel it. (He runs ahead.) PERFECT TOMMY: Oh. We're not... They advance past what looks like part of a sewage treatment plant and enter the main building. Television sets are placed randomly amid piles of junk. JOHN PARKER: It's a nest. PERFECT TOMMY: Birds nest. People don't nest. JOHN PARKER: (shakes his head) Red Lectroid... They hear something that sounds like a music box. Moving forward to investigate, they find a toy carousel. It is turning and playing a little tune. PERFECT TOMMY thinks it's cute. BILLY TRAVERS: Don't touch it. It might be a bomb, man. PERFECT TOMMY: Naw... It's a toy. With a shriek, a RED LECTROID drops onto PERFECT TOMMY's back from overhead. There is a brief struggle, ending when one of the other Hong Kong Cavaliers breaks its neck. Cut to an office in the Yoyodyne building. A GUARD is sitting behind the desk as the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE strides in. GUARD: Sir? SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Sit down! The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE heads down the hall. GUARD: Hey, that area's restricted! SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Yeah? Not to me! Interior of the main building. Shots of the Hong Kong Cavaliers covering each other as they advance. Many RED LECTROIDS are sitting around, oblivious. PERFECT TOMMY: What _is_ this place? JOHN PARKER: It's a bivouac. They sleep here. PERFECT TOMMY: (Can they all shoot stingers?) JOHN PARKER: Believe it. PERFECT TOMMY: Lizardo. Which way? JOHN PARKER: (pointing) Over dere. PERFECT TOMMY: You sure? JOHN PARKER: Believe it! PERFECT TOMMY: Just hold on a second. PERFECT TOMMY runs across an open space. In the foreground, several RED LECTROIDS are watching TV and eating potato chips. JOHN PARKER follows. PERFECT TOMMY and the rest of Chapparal Group take cover behind a large piece of machinery on the factory floor. Apache Group rejoins them. RENO NEVADA: What's going _on_, man? Where _are_ we? PERFECT TOMMY: It's a bivouac, man. They sleep here. Suddenly, the alarm on PERFECT TOMMY's wristwatch goes off. As he tries to shut it off, a RED LECTROID hears the beeping, runs to a control panel, and sets off an alarm. A klaxon sounds, and the Scooter Lindley turns and fires at the LECTROID. He is hit, and the control panel explodes in a shower of sparks. The Shock Tower room. The klaxon can be heard, and the lights flicker as the power fails. DR. LIZARDO: (panicked) What's happening? Shot of BUCKAROO BANZAI in the Shock Tower. The probes retract. DR. LIZARDO and JOHN BIGBOOTE have forgotten BUCKAROO BANZAI as they respond to the emergency. DR. LIZARDO: Bigbooty! Go down to the Pit. KILL THE GIRL! Factory floor. The RED LECTROIDS are aware of the intruders now, but the Hong Kong Cavaliers are mowing them down as they attack. Gunfire, RED LECTROIDS being hit and falling from rafters, etc. CASPER LINDLEY: Scooter! Where are you? Cut to RED LECTROIDS swarming around their ship, elsewhere in the factory. JOHN BIGBOOTE enters, takes charge. Shock Tower. DR. LIZARDO fiddles with controls. DR. LIZARDO: Eyy! Somebody shut off that gosh-damned klaxon! He picks up his overthruster and leaves, ignoring BUCKAROO BANZAI who is now freeing himself from the restraints of the Shock Tower. PA VOICE: Work, work, work. There are monkeyboys in the facility. BUCKAROO BANZAI looks for a way out of the Shock Tower room. PA VOICE: You are secure. Do not panic. John Emdall must die. Lord Whorfin must live. Hallway. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE knocks on a door. A sign reads "NOBUDY CUMZ IN HERE - SEKRIT". He opens the door. PA VOICE: Work, work, work. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE enters a weirdly-lit room containing a maze of plastic sheeting hanging from the ceiling. Another hallway. NEW JERSEY staggers down the hall, panting. Suddenly someone touches his shoulder. There is a bright flash. NEW JERSEY: Uhhhh! BUCKAROO BANZAI: Sorry... I'm sorry, Sidney. NEW JERSEY: Buckaroo! BUCKAROO BANZAI: It's good to see you, pal. You got a pistol? NEW JERSEY: Yeah. (hands revolver to BUCKAROO BANZAI) BUCKAROO BANZAI: (pops cylinder, checks to see if pistol is loaded) What are you gonna use? NEW JERSEY draws another gun, spins it flashily. NEW JERSEY: Where _are_ we? BUCKAROO BANZAI: I'd hate to tell you. NEW JERSEY: Uh, where're we going? BUCKAROO BANZAI produces a hand-held direction finder. An illuminated arrow flashes, and there is a clicking sound a lot like a car's turn signal. BUCKAROO BANZAI: This way. BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY move off. Meanwhile, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE emerges into the area of the plant where the spaceship is being completed. Power tools can be heard in the background. PA VOICE: Keep your noses to the grindstone. The greatest joy is the joy of duty. Work, work, work. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE stares in disbelief at the giant spaceship. PA VOICE: The monkeyboys are evil. Lord Whorfin is supreme. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE spots JOHN BIGBOOTE supervising the workers. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Big Boot? Big Boot! C'mon a minute, I wanna talk to you! JOHN BIGBOOTE looks up, surprised. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Hey, what the hell's the matter with you? You deaf? I said, I wanna talk to you! JOHN BIGBOOTE turns and leaves through a door marked "PITT". Dark hallway. BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY advance to an intersection with another corridor. RED LECTROIDS attack in turn from each of the four directions and are alternately gunned down by BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY. They look at each other, and NEW JERSEY blows the smoke from the muzzle of his gun. The Pit. JOHN BIGBOOTE and JOHN O'CONNOR are preparing to kill PENNY PRIDDY as the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE enters. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: (steps in ankle-deep water) Jeez! What the HELL is going on here, Big Boot? Where's my bomber? JOHN BIGBOOTE: Bigboo-TAY. John O'Connor, put the Snot on the track. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Hey, I don't give a flying handshake WHAT your name is, I'm here to see a bomber. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE stares at PENNY PRIDDY. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: _This_ sure ain't it. JOHN O'CONNOR smiles strangely as he puts a slimy alien slug-like thing on a track that slopes down towards PENNY PRIDDY's head. JOHN BIGBOOTE: Let's just go back upstairs to my office. Talk about this like two reasonable beings. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: (gestures at PENNY PRIDDY) Now you listen to me. Your private life, that's your own concern, but I'm here to see a _bomber_, and I'm damn sure gonna see it _now_! (points to the water on the floor) Look... LOOK at this place! Don't you have any PRIDE? It looks like a damn _pigsty_! JOHN BIGBOOTE grabs the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE's necktie and hoists him off his feet. JOHN BIGBOOTE: It's not my goddamn PLANET, understand, MONKEYBOY? JOHN BIGBOOTE drops the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, who falls to the floor. JOHN BIGBOOTE: Let's get out of here, John O'Connor. JOHN O'CONNOR: (disappointed) But John Whorfin _said_ we could kill her. JOHN BIGBOOTE: DAMN JOHN WHORFIN AND THE HORSE HE RODE IN ON! They leave as the alien creature begins to ooze down the track towards PENNY PRIDDY. Hallway. A RED LECTROID screams and lunges towards BUCKAROO BANZAI. A shot rings out and the LECTROID falls. PERFECT TOMMY appears. PERFECT TOMMY: You owe me one, bud. The Pit. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE comes to. He spots PENNY PRIDDY's purse and crawls painfully towards it. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: (gritting his teeth) It's not over yet... I may be down, but I'm not out. He reaches the purse. The overthruster beeps from inside. Suddenly BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY burst in. NEW JERSEY: What is THAT? Don't pick it up! Don't.... There is a high-pitched squeal as BUCKAROO BANZAI sweeps the alien thing off the track. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE pockets the overthruster and crawls away unnoticed as BUCKAROO BANZAI and NEW JERSEY bend over PENNY PRIDDY, who is unconscious. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Penny... (He grabs her wrist, feeling for a pulse.) How's she doing? NEW JERSEY: Uhh... I don't know? PERFECT TOMMY searches PENNY PRIDDY's purse. PERFECT TOMMY: There's no overthruster. JOHN PARKER: Buckaroo Banzai! BUCKAROO BANZAI: What? JOHN PARKER: There is little time! You better come quickly, if your planet is still important to you! BUCKAROO BANZAI is torn between PENNY PRIDDY and the call of duty. NEW JERSEY: Leave her to me. You take care of business. BUCKAROO BANZAI hesitates. NEW JERSEY: Go. Go! BUCKAROO BANZAI: Right. JOHN PARKER leaves, followed by BUCKAROO BANZAI. Control room. JOHN BIGBOOTE enters. JOHN O'CONNOR is helping DR. LIZARDO with his coat. JOHN BIGBOOTE: Where's Buckaroo Banzai? DR. LIZARDO: He has-a flown the coop. Is the girl dead? JOHN BIGBOOTE: Yes! DR. LIZARDO: Then sound the call to board the ship! JOHN BIGBOOTE: (exasperated) Without the crucial missing circuit, we'll never make it! JOHN O'CONNOR: They are only monkeyboys... we can still crush them here on Earth, Lord Whorfin! DR. LIZARDO: Noooo... it's-a time to go home! John Bigbooty - you carry my overthruster. John O'Connor, _you_ stick by my side! DR. LIZARDO and JOHN O'CONNOR hurry off. JOHN BIGBOOTE is shocked that he is apparently no longer second in command. Factory floor. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER are sneaking towards the ship. PA VOICE: The Great Vehicle Itself is now in final boarding state. BUCKAROO BANZAI sees the ship for the first time. BUCKAROO BANZAI: What is _that_? JOHN PARKER: Is a troop ship. Lord Whorfin.... Cut to the basket of a cherry picker lifting DR. LIZARDO, JOHN O'CONNOR, and JOHN BIGBOOTE to the ship. DR. LIZARDO spots BUCKAROO BANZAI below. DR. LIZARDO: MASSACRE THEM WITHOUT A QUARTER! RED LECTROIDS attack BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER, and are defeated in bitter hand-to-hand combat. Interior of ship. A hatch in the floor opens and DR. LIZARDO is helped inside. INTERCOM VOICE: His extreme eminence, Lord Whorfin, is now aboard. DR. LIZARDO: Tell the flight attendants to close the doors, and prepare for-a cross check! Factory floor. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER run towards the ship, gunning down RED LECTROIDS as they go. They reach some scaffolding, and climb towards the ship. PA VOICE: If you are not inside at this point, you have missed the boat. Interior of thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER climb through the hatch. PA VOICE: We are now go for launch. They cautiously explore the thermopod. Suddenly the hatch closes, trapping them inside. Ship's control room. Frenzied preparations are being made for departure. DR. LIZARDO: John O'Connor! Install my overthruster! INTERCOM VOICE: ... all carry-on baggage overhead and secure. A RED LECTROID switches the ship to internal power, and lights go on. Thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER can now see the interior. BUCKAROO BANZAI: What is this? JOHN PARKER: It looks like one of our thermopods. (ominously) But is a _very_ bad design. They experiment with various controls. DR. LIZARDO's voice is heard on the intercom system. DR. LIZARDO: ... your tray tables, secure! And your seat backs in the full upright position! Ship's control room. JOHN O'CONNOR: Your overthruster is in place, Lord Whorfin! JOHN BIGBOOTE: (gesturing wildly) It won't work! IT WON'T WORK! DR. LIZARDO turns to shout at JOHN BIGBOOTE. DR. LIZARDO: SHUT UP, John Bigbooty, you COWARD! You're da weakest individual I ever know! DR. LIZARDO turns back to the controls as, behind him, JOHN BIGBOOTE gives him the finger. Meanwhile, the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE is snooping around the jet car, which is covered in plastic. SCOOTER LINDLEY: Get away from that car, or I'll drink your BLOOD! The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE looks around, and sees SCOOTER LINDLEY aiming an M-14 rifle at him. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: (nervously) Whatcha got there, son? That's... uh... not _real_, is it? SCOOTER LINDLEY fires a round at the ceiling. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE jumps back. SCOOTER LINDLEY: Get 'em up. Ship's control room. Preparation for launch continues. DR. LIZARDO is removing his shoes so he can work a set of levers with his feet. VOICE: H2 tank pressurization, okay. We are go for launch. VOICE: John Many Jars, establish overthruster beam grid, over! Activate oscillator! Factory floor. BILLY TRAVERS stares at the ship as three bright blue beams of light appear and wave around wildly, trying to line up with a grid painted on the wall. Control room. DR. LIZARDO: John O'Connor! MY OVERTHRUSTER! He moves levers with his feet. Exterior. The ship lurches, and begins to move along its track. A few RED LECTROIDS are still outside. RED LECTROID: Don't leave! DON'T LEAVE! Quick cuts between control room, thermopod, and exterior as the ship jolts down the track. RED LECTROID: NOOOOOO! WAIT! Thermopod cockpit. BUCKAROO BANZAI: If they can't connect the dots, they'll never penetrate. The ship lurches to a stop. BUCKAROO BANZAI stares as a milky fluid pours through a channel in the thermopod's cockpit. VOICE: Cabin fluid valves now closed. The problem is corrected. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Wh... what _is_ that? JOHN PARKER: Is okay. No worry. Is an insulatin' liquid. Control room. DR. LIZARDO is speaking into a microphone. DR. LIZARDO: FULL SPEED AHEAD! And may I remind you, to fasten your-a seat belts, and esstinguish all smoking material. JOHN BIGBOOTE: We haven't a CHANCE! Your overthruster's for SHIT! We'll lose... DR. LIZARDO: One more WORD out of you, BigBOOTY... JOHN BIGBOOTE: Bigboo-TAY! Tay! TAY!!! DR. LIZARDO pulls a gun, turns, and shoots JOHN BIGBOOTE. Cut to thermopod cockpit. DR. LIZARDO: (on intercom) Welcome aboard, Banzai. You're NEXT! Control room. VOICE: Roger, John Mudhead. DR. LIZARDO: Let's-a go home. VOICE: Horizontal velocity is expanding, over. Exterior of ship as massive cables begin to drag it down the track again. VOICE: The wall is softening. Thermopod. A cover is removed, and BUCKAROO BANZAI and JOHN PARKER can now see out the thermopod's windshield. The wall and its grid markings are coming towards them. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Oh, no. Quick shots of beams dancing on the grid, DR. LIZARDO's feet frantically moving controls, the ship accelerating down the track, and the thermopod cockpit. BUCKAROO BANZAI ducks just before impact. Exterior of Yoyodyne's main building. A section of the wall crumbles and debris flies as the ship smashes through the wall. In the control room, DR. LIZARDO is still manipulating his levers. VOICE: Danger, danger. We do not have crossover. VOICE: Negative mass is critical. View of industrial park as the ship accelerates into a climbing turn. In the BLACK LECTROID command ship, the WING COMMANDER is eavesdropping on the RED LECTROID's intercom. RED VOICE 1: We are not in the 8th dimension. We are over New Jersey. RED VOICE 2: All is not lost. RED VOICE 1: But we are... WING COMMANDER: Stand by to incinerate Smolensk. Thermopod cockpit. DR. LIZARDO's voice is heard on the intercom. DR. LIZARDO: So sorry, gentlemen. But I must-a drop the excess baggage. The thermopod is jettisoned and drops like a rock. DR. LIZARDO: ARRIVIDERCI, BANZAI! BUCKAROO BANZAI: Where's-- where's the power? JOHN PARKER: I am a diplomat! I failed flight school! BUCKAROO BANZAI grabs a car battery cable hanging from the wall. BUCKAROO BANZAI: What do we do? Jump-start it? Seconds before impact, he plugs the cable into a panel. Whining noises as the power comes on, and the thermopod stops falling and hovers. He experiments with various controls. Cut to exterior. The thermopod climbs, dives, and turns erratically as BUCKAROO BANZAI tries to figure out how to fly it. Back to the cockpit. JOHN PARKER looks very relieved. BUCKAROO BANZAI: ... stabilizers... JOHN PARKER: What's dis? (indicating a handgrip and trigger next to him) BUCKAROO BANZAI: Looks like a gun. He pulls the trigger. There is a whooshing sound, and a pulsing beam of red light shoots from the front of the thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI: John Parker, take this wheel. They switch places. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Just... just hold on... that's good. It flies like a truck. JOHN PARKER: Good. What is a truck? Cut to DR. LIZARDO at the controls of the ship. VOICE: Electric beam is fine, Lord Whorfin. DR. LIZARDO: Heh heh heh. Back to thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI is studying the weapons panel. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Gotta be something to aim... aim... aim... JOHN PARKER: Whoa! The ship pops out of a cloud directly in front of them, on a collision course. JOHN PARKER spins the wheel wildly, and they evade the ship just in time. The thermopod turns to follow it. Control room. VOICE: Thermopod on our tail, over. DR. LIZARDO: (hisses) Banzai! So, you wanna play GAMES? Thermopod. Voices from the ship can be heard on a speaker. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Where's the stabilizer? DR. LIZARDO: ... you wanna play HIDE and SEEK, hanh? BUCKAROO BANZAI: All right. SHIP VOICE: Commence evasive action, over. The ship begins to jink back and forth, trying to shake the thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Okay. Okay. Start left. Go left. More, more, more, more... left, left... LEFT! I said LEFT! JOHN PARKER: This _is_ left! BUCKAROO BANZAI: I mean _my_ left! On... go _your_ right! Control room. DR. LIZARDO kicks levers frantically as the ship tries to evade. VOICE: Faster. He is gaining. DR. LIZARDO: Feets! Do your stuff! Back to thermopod. BUCKAROO BANZAI is sighting in on the ship. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Locking, locking now, locking... SHIP VOICE: DIVE! DIVE! DIVE! BUCKAROO BANZAI: ...now, dive, dive, dive, dive, dive... They dive to follow the ship. SHIP VOICE: Repeat, Lord Whorfin! Repeat! DIVE! DIVE! BUCKAROO BANZAI: Whorfin... Sayonara. BUCKAROO BANZAI pulls the trigger. Cut to closeup of DR. LIZARDO at controls. DR. LIZARDO: BANZAIII!! I'LL SEE YOU IN-A HELL!!! Back to thermopod. The ship explodes in a massive fireball. JOHN PARKER: We got him! BUCKAROO BANZAI: Go LEFT! Stop! He grabs controls, stops the thermopod before it flies into the expanding fireball. Below, members of Team Banzai look up as the explosion lights up the sky. Black command ship. BLACK LECTROID: John Whorfin... _destroyed_. WING COMMANDER: Deactivate particle beam. Tracking zero, zero, zero. BUCKAROO BANZAI is descending on a parachute. He salutes as JOHN PARKER hovers the thermopod next to him, then flies away. BUCKAROO BANZAI waves. Outside Yoyodyne. PERFECT TOMMY and RENO NEVADA run up as BUCKAROO BANZAI lands next to the building. RENO NEVADA: Hah hah! PERFECT TOMMY: That was one time I thought you'd bought it. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Yeah, me too. Where's Penny? PERFECT TOMMY: At the bus. New Jersey helped me bring her back. BUCKAROO BANZAI: How is she? Okay? PERFECT TOMMY: He said he'd pull her through. Quite a guy, if you want my opinion. Cut to SECRETARY OF DEFENSE and SCOOTER LINDLEY sitting on a bench. SCOOTER LINDLEY is holding the overthruster and covering the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE with his M-14. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: You give me that gizmo, I'll give you a _brand new_ crisp twenty-dollar bill. Hunh? SCOOTER LINDLEY grins and shakes his head. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE takes his hat off and offers it and the money. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: All right, I'll tell you what... BUCKAROO BANZAI, PERFECT TOMMY, and RENO NEVADA walk up. PERFECT TOMMY: Hey, Scooter! Fall in. SCOOTER LINDLEY whips the $20 out of the SECRETARY OF DEFENSE's hand and pockets it as he stands up. The SECRETARY OF DEFENSE sneaks away. SCOOTER LINDLEY: This what you're lookin' for, Buckaroo? He gives BUCKAROO BANZAI the overthruster. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Scooter... (looks at PERFECT TOMMY) You got _his_ job. SCOOTER LINDLEY: All right! BUCKAROO BANZAI: You wanna ride with me in the jet car? SCOOTER LINDLEY: Wow! You know it!... But I have to ask my dad first. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Okay, you ask your dad. I'll wash up. BUCKAROO BANZAI grins at PERFECT TOMMY and walks away. PERFECT TOMMY looks upset. RENO NEVADA offers mock compassion. RENO NEVADA: Awwwww.... BUCKAROO BANZAI walks up to the bus. NEW JERSEY is standing at the door. He shakes his head. NEW JERSEY: I did all I could. BUCKAROO BANZAI boards the bus and passes through the commo center. RADAR BLAZE 1: Buckaroo, the President's on line 1, calling about is everything okay with the alien space bomb and Planet Ten, or should we just go ahead and destroy Russia? BUCKAROO BANZAI: (distracted) Tell him yes on one and no on two. RADAR BLAZE 2: (confused) Which was yes? The destroy Russia, or the, uh, number two? BUCKAROO BANZAI ignores him and goes to a bedroom. PENNY PRIDDY is lying on a futon, completely covered by a white sheet. He whips the sheet away, to reveal her lying on her back, with her arms crossed. BUCKAROO BANZAI slowly bends down to kiss PENNY PRIDDY. As he is about to touch her lips, there is a bright blue flash and a spark jumps between them. BUCKAROO BANZAI is thrown backwards. BUCKAROO BANZAI sits up, rubbing his face. He looks at PENNY PRIDDY, then stares in disbelief as her leg moves slightly. He bends down to kiss her again. Small sparks as their lips touch. He pulls away as she slowly opens her eyes. BUCKAROO BANZAI: Careful. You're all right. Cut to command ship. The BLACK LECTROIDS are eavesdropping as usual. PENNY PRIDDY: You look awful, Buckaroo. BUCKAROO BANZAI: You don't exactly light up a party yourself... Back to the bedroom. BUCKAROO BANZAI: ... Penny Priddy. They embrace, and PENNY PRIDDY pulls him down onto the futon as he closes the blinds. WING COMMANDER: So what. Big deal. Fade to black. Title appears. WATCH FOR THE NEXT ADVENTURE OF BUCKAROO BANZAI BUCKAROO BANZAI AGAINST THE WORLD CRIME LEAGUE Closing credit sequence, where BUCKAROO BANZAI and the members of Team Banzai march around a concrete aqueduct while the Team Banzai theme plays. -FIN- ---------------------------------- CUT HERE ---------------------------------- End of part 2 (of 2).