I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling fire-walls and crushing
stacks.  I have been known to remodel panic() functions on coffee
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of crash recovery.  I
translate computer jargon for Microsoft refugees, I write praise
winning parodies, I manage time with xntpd.  Occasionally, I work
feverishly for 3 days in a row.  I woo Unices with my sensuous and
godlike keyboard tapping, I can pilot fsck around bad sectors with
ease, and I can seduce 1x CD-ROMs to spin faster.  I am an expert in
System Administration, a veteran in UNIX, and an outlaw at CIRT.

Using only a vt100 and an acoustic modem, I once single-handedly
defused a fork bomb on a critical machine left by a malicious process.
I play chess, I was born in a sea of Cray coolant, I am the subject of
numerous RFCs.  When I'm bored, I write new kernels on my home systems.
I enjoy using vi.  On Thursdays, after dinner, I infiltrate cracker
gangs and give the bounty to the poor.

I am an astute scripter, an interface designer, and a modem whacker.
Gurus worldwide swoon over my original secure CGI system.  I don't play
MUDs.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive floppies from AOL daily.
I have run X with a #9 and won the Xstone contest.  Last summer I
trained a group of mercenaries in the ways of regular expressions.  I
type at 120wpm.  My deft login scripts are shell independent.  The
emotionally frail fear me.

I can manipulate a 30,000 DPI mouse with astonishing accuracy.  I once
read 200 Usenet groups in one day, but still had time to answer all my
mail, setup 4 new machines, then design an IP recycle system.  I never
type the wrong password.  At times, I act as a consultant for the
Military.  I rarely sleep; when I do sleep, I dream of ways to improve
the systems I run.  While driving on Interstates, I successfully
predict future malfunctions.  CTS does not affect me.

I login, I check services, I read mail, I answer questions, and all my
responses are in the vernacular.  On days off, I befriend librarians.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life and use it for my ssh key.
I cook extraordinary pizza using only the finest ingredients and an
over-clocked pentium without a heat sink.  I am witty.  I have won
contracts at White Sands, ribbons, medals, and admiration abroad.  I
have FTPed to banjo, I have read Stevens', and I have received email
from Elvis.