You lack slack, Jack.
DISTRIBUTE FREELY TO EVERYONE
Visit the official Church of the
Subgenius web site.
Excerpted from the Book of the SubGenius by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
Compiled and edited by the Reverend Kareem du Gristle
of the Church of the SubGenius, Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench;
pilgrims have suckled at this breast of Knowledge since 4 Oct 1995
"Time Control? You've come to the right place..."
Transdesiccated to HTML by Rev. Dr. doctorgonzo of the Church of the SubGenius, Dublin "Mr. Tom" Is Yeti Clench
This page was stolen by Rev. Dr. Pope Abe Ervert
of the First "Bob"tist Church and Loan of Los Alamos, Inc. from another
site, mainly because I wanted to tweak the ordering of the "IF"s
to bring them in line with the Book of The Subgenius.
- IF you suspect that things are much worse than you ever suspected-
- IF the only thing you've been able to laugh at for the last 5 years
is the fact that NOTHING is funny anymore-
- IF you sometimes want to collar people on the street and scream that you're
more different than they could possible imagine-
- IF you see the whole universe as one vast morbid sense of sick humor-
- IF the current "Age of Progress" seems more like the Dark Ages to you-
- IF you are looking for an inherently contradictory religion that will condone
megadegeneracy and yet tell you that you are "above" everone else-
- IF you can possibly help us with a donation-
THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS
Your secret wishes can be granted in full --
once you know what they are!
"You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think." -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, 1961
NOW, AT LAST! The step-by-step process is revealed! THIS IS IT!
the only "faith" that promises ACTION -- THRILLS -- SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS!
Feeling like there's just no SLACK?
You may have 'snapped' already from the information disease! ("The
sleep of reason begets monsters.") Look to the High Unpredictables of the
Church of the SubGenius for pancultural deprogramming and resynchronization!
Perfect your subliminal vision... edit your memory...
relive your reincarnality...
THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!
Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now
MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, eating, sleeping,
working; end baldness, constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness, and
painful shortage of SLACK!
Become a Doktor of the Forbidden Sciences...make religion a kick-ass
adventure! Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell!
- Patriot or Alien?
- Personal Saviour or Prophet?
- Nerd or Hero?
- Inspired Madman or Complete Jackass?
Thought you'd tried everything? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET! Learn to
THINK BIG! Develop the tricks of Length Extension! Bring your weirdest
dreams to rampaging LIFE!
Stand erect for your own abnormality. WISE UP! They're out to get
The "different" are being silenced by a global conspiracy. WEIRDOS
ARISE!! You probably already knew that the U.S. Government is a SHAM --
something propped up there for you to blame. But did you know that the
real "powers that be" are not even people? That they are actually
shambling, unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable THINGS??
YES! JEHOVAH *IS* AN ALIEN AND STILL THREATENS THIS PLANET!
Defy the sinister "Star Forces" which mock us all. Evil demons have
kept the truth from humanity for thousands of years - God has been misquoted
all this time! His actual words may disturb you...but "Bob" Dobbs is a bulwark
against the unbearable fear and anxiety tormenting mankind. "There's no
"Bob" is a way of life to millions - yet half of them don't even
KNOW it! He is the one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the spiritual know-how to
help you BASH THROUGH the locked doorway to FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He is the only
real Short-Cut to Slack.
SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION ON YOUR TV
"Bob's" promise is to widen the scope and nature of abnormal
behavior...to explore NEW WAYS of going over the edge and coming back. PLUS
to bring back those who couldn't on their own... to help you create the
HIGHEST POSSIBLE EARNINGS from the PSYCHODYMANICS of ABNORMALITY...
to turn Conspiracy-implanted personality disorders AROUND and channel them
into an ILLUSION OF CREATIVITY that will fool normals and GET YOU SEX!
As you learn more and more reliable, safe methods of Time Control, you
will find your I.Q. increasing - your very cranium will seem to pulsate from
within, barely able to contain the turmoil of glorious new concepts and mental
skills. Soon you'll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE XISTS, our
mentors in space; you will be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into a new physical
body, a more powerful one, built to contain the surging mental and material
mutations that your brain now generates. YES - become an OVERHUMAN, a
dangerous and feared superhuman of the future! Yet - because your SubGenius
roots can never be forgotten - you won't be able to abuse your powers, but
instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and JUSTICE,
choosing always to defend the oppressed SubGenius wherever they may be!
The world is a turkey, and "Bob" gives you the carving knife.
Fear THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL no longer!
Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE -- overnight!
Attain STATUS-LUCK-PROSPERITY by blowing them off!
When you join this "Order of the Knights of Wotan," you get a mastery of
fighting skills... good health, an attractive personality,
a WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE OTHERS! To BEND THEM to your WILL!
You'll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to MASTERY over FISCAL PLANES... the
OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of FINANCE POWER...E-Z ways to borrow money - from
other people who don't have it either!
Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUT.
Our "ascetism" consists solely of the abstinence from abstinence. Give
up the not giving into of temptation! Think thoughts that no human has ever
dared think before. You CAN learn to recall memories from the past that you
had forgotten, or that never existed at all.
CONTACT ALIENS BOTH BENEVOLENT AND EVIL!
The Church of the SubGenius the first and last stand against a
crumbling world filled with Pinks and Glorps.
"SURVIVE THE GREAT CATACLYSMS THROUGH UFO TRANSPORT!"
You too can can be a part of this WAVE OF THE FUTURE!
Make strangeness work for YOU!
Thought you were 'ordinary'? WRONG.
Tap your secret Abnormality Potential.
Take control through liberated weirdness.
WEIRDOS: Feel smarter than those around you, but constantly stomped back?
Receive an unbelievable booklet:
a very simple deposit achieves INSTANT SLACK at a saving of $5000.
Unbelievably unusual pamphlets. Damn weird. Totally new.
Send $1 to:
The Church of the SubGenius,
PO Box 181417
Cleveland Hts, OH 44118
and you'll NEVER be the same again...
Sacred PO Box changed 10 Nov 2004 as the First FistTemple Lodge of the
Church of the Subgenius is no longer in Texas.
THE SPACE BANKERS SEE YOU!
THE END IS NEAR!
COME GOOD ALWAYS!
Rev. Kareem du Gristle, Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench
Rev. Dr. doctorgonzo, Dublin "Mr. Tom" Is Yeti Clench