You lack slack, Jack.

Visit the official Church of the Subgenius web site.
(There was a cool picture here, don't you wish
you had a graphical browser?)

Excerpted from the Book of the SubGenius by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

Compiled and edited by the Reverend Kareem du Gristle of the Church of the SubGenius, Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench;

an innumerable number of pilgrims have suckled at this breast of Knowledge since 4 Oct 1995

Transdesiccated to HTML by Rev. Dr. doctorgonzo of the Church of the SubGenius, Dublin "Mr. Tom" Is Yeti Clench

This page was stolen by Rev. Dr. Pope Abe Ervert of the First "Bob"tist Church and Loan of Los Alamos, Inc. from another site, mainly because I wanted to tweak the ordering of the "IF"s to bring them in line with the Book of The Subgenius.


Your secret wishes can be granted in full -- once you know what they are!

"You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think." -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, 1961

NOW, AT LAST! The step-by-step process is revealed! THIS IS IT!

Feeling like there's just no SLACK?

You may have 'snapped' already from the information disease! ("The sleep of reason begets monsters.") Look to the High Unpredictables of the Church of the SubGenius for pancultural deprogramming and resynchronization! Perfect your subliminal vision... edit your memory... relive your reincarnality...

Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, eating, sleeping, working; end baldness, constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness, and painful shortage of SLACK!

Become a Doktor of the Forbidden Sciences...make religion a kick-ass adventure! Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell!

The SubGenius:

Thought you'd tried everything? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET! Learn to THINK BIG! Develop the tricks of Length Extension! Bring your weirdest dreams to rampaging LIFE!

Stand erect for your own abnormality. WISE UP! They're out to get you.

The "different" are being silenced by a global conspiracy. WEIRDOS ARISE!! You probably already knew that the U.S. Government is a SHAM -- something propped up there for you to blame. But did you know that the real "powers that be" are not even people? That they are actually shambling, unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable THINGS??


Defy the sinister "Star Forces" which mock us all. Evil demons have kept the truth from humanity for thousands of years - God has been misquoted all this time! His actual words may disturb you...but "Bob" Dobbs is a bulwark against the unbearable fear and anxiety tormenting mankind. "There's no 'Prob'...With "Bob"!"

"Bob" is a way of life to millions - yet half of them don't even KNOW it! He is the one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the spiritual know-how to help you BASH THROUGH the locked doorway to FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He is the only real Short-Cut to Slack.


"Bob's" promise is to widen the scope and nature of abnormal explore NEW WAYS of going over the edge and coming back. PLUS to bring back those who couldn't on their own... to help you create the HIGHEST POSSIBLE EARNINGS from the PSYCHODYMANICS of ABNORMALITY... to turn Conspiracy-implanted personality disorders AROUND and channel them into an ILLUSION OF CREATIVITY that will fool normals and GET YOU SEX! As you learn more and more reliable, safe methods of Time Control, you will find your I.Q. increasing - your very cranium will seem to pulsate from within, barely able to contain the turmoil of glorious new concepts and mental skills. Soon you'll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE XISTS, our mentors in space; you will be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into a new physical body, a more powerful one, built to contain the surging mental and material mutations that your brain now generates. YES - become an OVERHUMAN, a dangerous and feared superhuman of the future! Yet - because your SubGenius roots can never be forgotten - you won't be able to abuse your powers, but instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and JUSTICE, choosing always to defend the oppressed SubGenius wherever they may be!

The world is a turkey, and "Bob" gives you the carving knife.


Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE -- overnight!

Attain STATUS-LUCK-PROSPERITY by blowing them off!

When you join this "Order of the Knights of Wotan," you get a mastery of fighting skills... good health, an attractive personality, a WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE OTHERS! To BEND THEM to your WILL!

You'll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to MASTERY over FISCAL PLANES... the OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of FINANCE POWER...E-Z ways to borrow money - from other people who don't have it either!


Our "ascetism" consists solely of the abstinence from abstinence. Give up the not giving into of temptation! Think thoughts that no human has ever dared think before. You CAN learn to recall memories from the past that you had forgotten, or that never existed at all.


The Church of the SubGenius the first and last stand against a crumbling world filled with Pinks and Glorps.


You too can can be a part of this WAVE OF THE FUTURE!

Make strangeness work for YOU!

Thought you were 'ordinary'? WRONG.

Tap your secret Abnormality Potential.

Take control through liberated weirdness.



Feel smarter than those around you, but constantly stomped back?

Receive an unbelievable booklet:

a very simple deposit achieves INSTANT SLACK at a saving of $5000. Unbelievably unusual pamphlets. Damn weird. Totally new.

Send $1 to:

The Church of the SubGenius, PO Box 181417 Cleveland Hts, OH 44118

and you'll NEVER be the same again...

Sacred PO Box changed 10 Nov 2004 as the First FistTemple Lodge of the Church of the Subgenius is no longer in Texas.

Rev. Kareem du Gristle, Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench

Rev. Dr. doctorgonzo, Dublin "Mr. Tom" Is Yeti Clench